Of Prophets and Madmen

While I realize the category of tonight's topic is a rather pretentious one, please be aware that it only implies a level of ostentation that I'm not willing to deliver.

I've been going back to some of the old classics... the ones that most would consider either agonizingly boring, or luridly fascinating. I admit to falling into the latter. I have gone back to read titles from Vonnegut, George Orwell, and Huxley. One thing that I've noticed about these authors is that they are all most known for writing novels where society is portrayed in some horrific manner or another. Honestly, this theme is regurgitated ad nauseum all throughout a good portion of books by these literary minds.

People react to this pattern in different ways. Some consider it brilliant, for various reasons. There are those who find it trite and cliched. The ignorant should, for the sake of this discussion, be taken into consideration, as well. As far as I'm concerned, none of these answers would be wrong.

What I'm here to talk about tonight is my take on three novels - one each by the aforementioned authors.

The first novel is entitled "Player Piano," written by Vonnegut. Of the three, it is probably the darkest take on society - even moreso when applied to conventional standards - and yet is the lightest in its presentation. Vonnegut was known for his dark sense of humor; one that constantly felt like a razor tongue-in-cheek along open sores.

In this novel, society is presented in a caste system comprising of two parts; the rich and the poor. The poor were the people whose main purposes in society before World War II were replaced by machines. The well to do were those that were the engineers and managers that kept society going as what they viewed was a well-oiled machine.

Through a series of events that, in the spirit of saving time in writing what is honestly going to be a rather extensive post, as well as the hope of you all finding a copy of this book and reading it yourselves, I will not get into, Paul finds himself faced with a choice that calls into question all of his fears, worries, and doubts. He is given the choice of fame and fortune, or being the figurehead of a kind of rebellion against the machine society.

The ending is darkly realistic, to the point of being cynical. However, it was brilliantly written and handled in such a way as it invokes feeling in the reader in some fashion or another. For me, it led me through yet another doorway of perception that I just can't stop thinking about.

You see, Paul was someone who was on the inside, and came to realize just how messed up everything really was. He saw how people were gaining off of the suffering of others, and how cut-throat his world really was. He wasn't okay with that. I have to admit that I'm not, either.

This particular theme is found earlier in literary history, in the title "Brave New World," written by Aldoux Huxley. The similarities are there mostly because this is the novel that "inspired" Vonnegut's tale. He was actually quoted as saying that he "cheerfully ripped off of Brave New World, just like Brave New World cheerfully ripped off of Yevgeny Zamyitan's We."

Anyways, all plagiarism aside, Brave New World has society cast in what has to be the scariest ways of the three books. Society was broken down into five main castes - Alphas, Betas, Gammas, Deltas, and Epsilons - with a sixth caste, who were referred to as "Savages," that were known about, but never really considered to really be people to begin with.

In this society, the people all take a drug known as Soma, which, incidentally enough, is an allusion to a mythical drink of the same name that was consumed by Indo-Aryans. This drug would cause hallucinations of varying intensity, and give the members of this dystopian society a "vacation." The society could be described as absolutely hedonistic, at best, and there are things wrong with it that would make any person of any real values flinch.

Sexual activity is something that is encouraged from early childhood. The idea that "everybody belongs to everybody else" is repeated so often, that one could easily - and understandably - draw the conclusion that it is some form of mantra. Reproduction has been rendered obsolete, and the emotion of love doesn't ever factor into their lives as anything more than a pornographic thought.

Another taboo is the idea of alone time. The whole idea of "conform, consume, obey" is pounded into their heads from such an early age that this is what they end up doing - always consuming and never being alone. If you're not out participating in the latest trends with everybody else, or screwing some "friend" for the day, you are ostracized from the society, and you are never looked at the same again. Conventional wisdom says that you are doing it to yourself, and therefore, nobody ever bothers to attempt to help.

The idea of being an individual is a radical one. Nobody dares to try, because nobody wants to be different. Well, most of them don't. Enter Brenard, one of the three main characters of the tale.

Brenard is an Alpha Plus, and a psychologist. He is shorter than average height for his cast - a deformity, in the eyes of this society - and therefore suffers from an inferiority complex. Like Paul Proteus from the previously discussed title, he is an insider looking out, and sees many things wrong with what is going on around him. He even once denounces the soma drug, instead proclaiming that he'd "rather be himself."

This certainly earns no points with the rest of society, but it does usher in the attraction from the second main character, Lenina. She has her own complexes, but unlike her counterpart, is socially accepted. The only gripe against her is that she "isn't promiscuous enough."

...

Anyhow, while out and about with each other one day, they end up in a reservation for the "savages." They find a woman named Linda, who was once a member of the caste society, but mistimed her birth control dosage and consequently became pregnant. She misses her little world of random sex and drugs, and so talks Brenard and Lenina into taking her and her son, John, back to the "brave new world."

John is instantly afforded a sort of celebrity status. Not only is he something new and different for the masses to consume, but he is what they know as a "savage," as well. As he finds himself going deeper into the rabbit hole that leads to this bastardized Wonderland, he becomes deeply troubled by what he sees. It's nothing like what his mother told him it was, and it causes him much grief.

Again, there are a lot of events to cover that I'm just not willing to go into. The philosophy behind the book is a look at a godless society and what it does to people, and makes us question our humanity. At least, that's what it's intended to do. The problem is, I feel that this is the direction that we, as a people, are heading.

Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded of the differences between the people of today's society. I often see people of other classes mingling with each other sporadically. I am guilty of this. However, I've lately been questioning the motives behind it. What are we doing, when we do this? Are we looking to vicariously have some experience that we can later tell stories about? Or are we legitimately seeking companionship regardless of the social boundaries that will invariably separate us all eventually, despite our feelings of it happening?

This book is succeeding in a prophesy. It's doing so because it failed as a warning. Had someone, somewhere along the line taken the time to think about it, things might be different today. But, with the advent of capitalism, it all died.

One book that did succeed as a warning, however, was "1984," written by a one George Orwell.

Wells depicts society in a totalitarian state. The government rules all, knows all, sees all, and is never questioned. Those that are questioned are shot. Their executions are almost always public, and everybody cheers.

The story follows the life of Winston, an employee of the government who is in charge of altering history records to bolster the illusion of Big Brother being pansophical. His position allows him to become disillusioned to everything that's going on around him, and this leads to his rebellion. It also leads to torture and his eventual conversion, but you'd have to read about that, yourself.

The point is that we find yet another person on the inside of some seemingly magical society where all of our wants and needs are taken care of, but at the cost of the very things that continue to make us human.

I probably shouldn't be reading these things, as I am now at a point where I no longer crave to be a member of this society. I see it going in a direction that I don't like, and I have no other way than this to express that. I now crave nothing more than a constant state of disassociation.

Yet at the same time, I want to help.

I just don't know how.

If You Can't Do Something Right...

Warning: This blog entry contains adult language and mature subject matter. If you think you might be offended by something I may say, please try something a little more suited to your tastes instead.

Before we start this off today, I am going to go ahead and do the full-disclosure thing and let you all know that this is a rather pointed entry, but it's something that needs to be discussed anyway.

Is it just me, or is the collective insult vernacular of the Internet almost exclusively reserved to things like "asshat," "fucktard," and "douchebag?" Those aren't witty, and they certainly don't do you any favors. It's like a man with glasses calling a monocled chap "Two Eyes." The secret to insulting someone is not to appear a total moron. You want to seem smarter than they are.

At the very least, make up your own insults. Really. What you've got out there just doesn't insult me. Douchebag? I'm pretty sure that went out of style in the early '90's. And perhaps it is not wise to point out that one who is a douchebag is still going to get a lot closer to a vagina than you ever will in your lifetime.

Asshat? Am I missing some sort of meaning to it, or does it really just mean a hat which rests upon one's behind? Condoms are kind of hats, I guess, but again... we don't want to remind your opponent that you've only read about sex on the Internet. So, is an asshat like a butt condom or something? Or maybe it's a pair of underpants. With skidmarks? Trust me, there are far better insults involving skidmarks than "asshat."

Fucktard. That oh-so-witty combination of "fucking" and "retard." Beautiful. Let's take two offensive words, keep the stressed syllables, and create a new wondrous word of insult. Sorry, guys. It's not that witty. Witty can never be confined to one word. It requires intelligence to produce wit - something I fear is quite lacking on the Internet, these days. It doesn't require intelligence to call someone else a dirty name; it doesn't even show intelligence.

If you really want to insult someone, then you've got to know how. The great art of insulting is a beautiful thing; something that can be appreciated long after the original cause is lost. Check out some of these quotes from Oscar Wilde. They were so insulting that they were remembered over 100 years after they were said.

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

"I am not young enough to know everything."

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."

"Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong."

You see? Not a single "asshat" or "douchebag" in the bunch. and these are biting insults of the highest caliber. They write books about a quality insult. I'm not talking about those books that you buy at the Book Fair in Middle School which proclaims "You look like a million bucks! All green and wrinkled!" to be the zenith of contemporary wit. I'm talking about those nice leather-bound books that speech writers like to cling to as if they were their only child.

So, before you decide to write off that e-mail or Facebook post proclaiming me to be an "asshat" or a "pompous know-it-all," just remember that you aren't impressing me. Seriously, after about a dozen or so of them all strung together that feature practically the same words, you aren't even standing out in a crowd. One guy said "Trollololol." This means he sought out to make me angry, for at least part of my day. Not quite... I can't get angry over something so damned pathetic. Pity is the only emotion that he was able to eke out of me.

Put your backs into it, now! Use some wit. Impress me. Make me feel worse! Don't contribute to me feeling superior! Don't prove me right! Come on. Be original. I'm sure it's possible. I wouldn't want to live in a world where it wasn't, because if there's one thing this world doesn't need, it's another asshole of limited intelligence.

Apples and Oranges

Often times, I confuse people. I understand how I can be confusing. My style of writing is a far cry from how I speak on a day-to-day basis. My actions are the kind that often leave people wondering "What the hell?" I know for a fact that there are many out there who, after my novelty wears off and they realize that it's not really an act, cannot stand me. I understand this, but I will not offer any apologies for it.

Back in April, I went into extensive detail about the way that I am, in hopes that some people would derive a better understanding of how my mind works. I also touched a bit on the fact of why I love writing so much. I have since tried to continue with this trend, using the blessing of anonymity that the Internet provides as a way to really let people take a look inside.... hence the title of the blog itself.

For those that don't know, I like to consider myself an avid gamer. While I'm sure that whatever credibility I have built up has gone right out the window for some people with that statement, I assure you that this entry has very little to do with video games. I'm honestly not sure what to talk about tonight, and am just kind of... going with it.

I read this blog on a regular basis. The things that Pojut talks about interest and intrigue me. I'm sure that many of you can get some enjoyment out of it, as well. The things that he talks about certainly warrant their own discussions in and of themselves, as often times I find this man's ramblings rather inspirational.

So, it is in this spirit that I figured I would give a shot at writing something meaningful about something that's equally meaningless. Maybe about how apples are better than oranges. You see, I personally believe that, if done correctly, a rant such as this could show how important reasoned decision-making is, even when the stakes are low.

Interestingly enough, this is where I end up getting into the most trouble with my peers. You see, when you put what is generally labeled as "deep thought" into the nature of our very existence, people tend to react with "Ah, yes. Deep thoughts are good." However, when you put it into something that most people consider meaningless, they turn on you like rabid hyenas.

I've always come from the approach that there's no such thing as "over-thinking." There's poor reasoning and timorousness which can cause people to mistrust their thinking, thus believing that over-thinking can be a bad thing. The reality of this situation, as I see it, is that it's just bad over-thinking that's horrible. The main problem is that people simply don't know the difference.

I've noticed, for example, with my detached observation, that people park stupid. Whenever I go to any destination that whimsy carries me, I often see people driving around, desperately seeking that "good" parking space. The problem, however, is they only really look in the two lanes in front of the door. Invariably, they'll end up parking father out by relying on those two lanes than if they parked three lanes over. It's almost as if they have poor spatial reasoning.

When I park, I always do it fairly close to the door. I do it because of the fact that in certain regions, this kind of thing could very well be a survival requirement. I never have to follow cars around the parking lot, and I generally get the same spot every single time. At the local mall, I have this great spot - I have to walk through a department store rather than going through the main entrance, but it's a small price to pay when one considers the expediency of such a space. It has shade, it's close to the door, has very little traffic, and is typically always available, except for the chaotic time of the year that is the holidays.

"But, dude," you might say. "It's just a parking space."

I figure that's the kind of reaction I would get out of most of the people who are reading this. They would be correct. It is just a parking space, and nothing of any real consequence whatsoever. You walk maybe an extra hundred and fifty feet by choosing poorly. However, it's like the people who go through the mall food court rather than around it, preferring to move dozens of chairs and other furniture out of the way while navigating through throngs of people rather than taking a path that is essentially equidistance without the obstacles. The shortest path between two spots isn't always a straight line, but who cares? You move a few chairs and have to say "excuse me" a few times. It's not the end of the world.

The only way that I can think of to respond to that is to say that you can't fault someone for thinking about the problem any more than I can fault someone for not thinking about it. It may not be important, but there is a better solution and I don't exactly have to whip out a calculator to figure it out. You've probably timed two or more different routes driving hoe and that's no more important than where and how you park.

I go to movie theaters to watch the films. It's rarely ever a group thing, and I expect complete silence from those around me, because I really like being drawn into a movie if it manages to spark my interest. Granted, this event rarely occurs these days, but when it does, I can't do it when some moronic child whose parents can't control it is mindlessly throwing popcorn at the screen and screaming "In bed!" after nearly every line.

I used to ask the talking audience member to be quiet. I kind of stopped doing so when after one day, it nearly lead to violence to my person. I wasn't being particularly impudent or even querulous in my request. Just goes to show exactly what kind of savages I find myself around on a disturbingly regular basis.

That being said, I've had to figure out a way to go and see movies that involve having the smallest number of audience members of the obnoxious sort. It really only takes one guy to ruin the experience for everybody, but if you consider the times you go, you can reduce the odds.

For instance, don't go at night - especially Friday or Saturday nights. That's the "witching hour" for dates, and also when the theater is most busy. The earlier you go, the less people are there. People have jobs and the ones that don't probably don't actually wake up until the afternoon, anyway. Going during a weekday at the earliest time is your best chance at a small, quiet audience - unless you're going to see a kids movie. Then you go at the latest possible showing, when it's past their bed-time.

The type of movie makes a huge difference, as well. Something like Star Wars can be watched at any time because everything in that movie makes a loud sound. The best part is, when there isn't a loud sound, there's loud music. You don't even have to follow the dialog that much. However, there are movies with a lot of silence, such as suspense films. It's difficult to build suspense as people see quietness as the perfect juncture to converse. When there is a difference between loud and quiet, they'll talk loudly during the quiet parts because they were talking loudly during the other parts, and probably have hearing issues. That, or they're just plain stupid.

The best movies to go to are the ones that don't bring out in droves the mindless automatons that now comprise a vast majority of America's youth and idiotic adults. Find something with subtext and/or subtitles. Either will drive away scores of people you'd rather not watch the movie. Of course, be careful with the subtitle thing. Sometimes, you get the ignoramus behind you that insists on reading them aloud. I had that problem with "Kung Fu Hustle," "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," and a few others. I'd like to discuss which theater to go to, but I'd really rather not get into all of that.

It used to be that every movie I planned to watch in the theater required a unique formula for deciding exactly when the best showing would be to attend. I swear to you that going to the movies for me these days requires charts and spreadsheets. I don't go to movies hardly at all anymore due to financial issues. Besides, let's face it... when the DVD version comes out three months later, it turns out cheaper than the price of tickets, refreshments, etc. Sometimes, waiting is just worth it.

So, that's how something so simple as choosing when to go to a movie can become a mental struggle. I honestly have more fun thinking about abstract problems, but it's not like I can just turn it off when it comes time to have fun. This is how I have fun. If I see a movie and don't spend some quality time afterwards thinking about it, I consider it a waste of my time. Luckily, my thought process doesn't really require the movie to be any good.

Shutter Island is, of course, the only exception to this. That movie bored me within the first fifteen minutes.

And now... sleep. That's where I'm a pirate, after all.

Plans

My friends, it is with great pleasure that I announce that I am now President of the United States, here today, in front of my adorning supporters.

Politics is not a topic that I am well-versed in, and, as such, I cannot sit here and tell you all the things that you want to hear. That will put me at a great disadvantage in the upcoming months, because what you want to hear and what you need to hear are not always the same thing.

I am aware of the greatness of this country. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded of what a wonderful and bountiful world that we exist in. However, not a day passes that I am also not reminded of the uncontrolled and unwarranted greed which permeates our entire being. I've seen kind men help little old ladies do their groceries, but I've also seen the same men risk their life and the lives of others running a red to shave a little time off their travelling.

I know what the people of America want, and I'm here to say that you cannot have it.

Everybody wants to be employee of the month. everybody thinks they deserve employee of the month. Problem is, nobody works towards that prestigious title. We all want something for free, and we want more than the next guy. We want to be powerful and rich, and we want it for nothing at all.

I'm here to tell you that you aren't stupid for thinking that, but you are wrong. We need to meet the basic needs of our country before we meet the needs of just you. We need to make sure that sickness is met with the best care. We need to ensure that our schools are filled with the best teachers. We need to guarantee that being poor does not mean being worthless. When money comes in and it is time to section it out, that money needs to go to the people failing to survive day by day, not the people who want a slightly larger television.

The rules of politics, as they are now, dictate that I shouldn't tell you this. They also dictate that I promise you a gold-plated care and your own personal parking space. They dictate that I should make you feel important. Well... you are. Just not like you think you are. We all live in the same society, and our importance in that society is distinct. But getting richer does not increase your importance, and being in poverty greatly destroys it. The way you increase your importance is not based on what you have, but what you do.

Do you have a problem with gays marrying? Abortion? Pre-martial sex? I do, but realistically speaking... tough. We all live in this society together, and I'm not about to let one group of people decide what's best for another group of people who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions. How would you feel if someone came up to you and said that you couldn't worship God? I will protect your right to do just that, exactly as I would protect the right of any citizen of sound mind and body to make the decisions which concern their own welfare and nobody else's.

But what about the people who can't make their own decisions? What about the people who don't want to? These people are hardly worthless. Where they falter in one area, they can more than make up for in others. We will help these people not by making their decisions, but by educating them on how to do it on their own. Even when we help them, the decision to accept our help or go it alone will always be available to them. Only in situations where the well-being of others is at stake will we put in boundaries, and even then, we'll make sure they know where those boundaries are before they decide to cross them.

I'm going to raise taxes, because our government needs the money. We've got a war going on, and we cannot afford it any longer. We've got people dying around the world, and we can't help them. You're just going to buy an SUV that you don't really need, anyway. Tell me that you deserve your money more than a kid who can't get hospital care because his family members are all drug addicts. We've got sick people. We've got poor people. We've got people of one race or religion dominated by people of another race or religion. We've got mutated people, too. We've got crime. We've got wars. It's time to stop watching cable news, and it's time to start doing something about the stuff shown on it. That O'Reilly guy is ugly on an HDTV, anyway.

We live in a varied and beautiful country - just a small part of a varied and beautiful world. In the grand scheme of things, it may be small, but it is important to us because our country means something. It was built upon an ideal; an ideal which has guided our development and culture into a world no other culture could manage. This tiny little ideal has allowed us to explore creativity and technology and take it to extremes undreamed of by even the greatest thinkers of the past. We are done building on the past. We are now paving the future. All of this because of one simple ideal.

All people are treated as equal in the eyes of the law.

I think that we forget what that means, sometimes. We like to think of that when it benefits somebody, but not when it inconveniences them. It means that if people aren't being treated as equal, then we've got to enforce it until they are. It means that wants and needs must be separated and sorted by priority of the want/need itself - no matter how much taxes you pay. It means that schools in poor districts deserve to have the same quality teachers at the rich private schools. It means that if any one group gets too far away from the medium, in either direction, we need to start bringing them back.

You want a new car, but that's because your basic needs are already being taken care of. Some of them by us, the government. That you can even dream of purchasing a $50,000 vehicle, owning your own home, and sending your kids to college means that we are doing our job. But we aren't doing it as well as we used to. We're skimping on the important stuff.

Vote for me. As President, I promise to look out for all the citizens of the United States. I'm going to make a whole lot of you furious, because I'm not running the country the same way you would. Chances are, you may not see the effects of my social and economic plans directly for years, if ever. My name will not go down in history as the greatest President, because the things that to be done take time and they take money, and the immediate rewards are few and far between.

But it's worth it.

I love this country. I love everything that it used to stand for. It's now sick and broken, and I want to help it, because I don't want it to die.

Sick Men and Sugar Pills

For some reason that is entirely unknown to me, I cannot seem to find the motivation and/or inspiration to finish anything that I start, lately. It doesn't matter what it is, be it a book, video game, blog, parts to the book that I'm writing, or even dialog for the comic that I'm helping to create... I get about two-thirds done, and bam. Brick wall. I've started about four or five different projects, and haven't seen a single one to completion. The popularity - or lack thereof - of my opinions, ideals, theories, conundrums, statistics, and what not when it comes to life, religion, and the like seem based less on what I write, but instead on which side people come into the discussion with. My musings are less to convince anybody - which may be the one thing in this universe which is truly impossible - but just to say some stuff that's been flying around my head, driving me crazy. As such, nobody has been convinced.

This has led to me thinking about a lot of stuff. This rarely leads to good things, but it's what leads to things such as this blog. One thing that's been on my head lately has been something that I've been struggling with off and on my entire life, and it was brought up again on my cousin's Facebook earlier this evening. I can't, for the life of me, understand why, even after being hit in the face with practically irrefutable evidence, still maintain - sometimes even to the point of violence - that a book written in a time when alchemists attempted to turn lead into gold has any kind of merit to modern day life at all.

Full Disclosure: I'm speaking of Leviticus with that statement

Do people want to believe in something so much that they would prefer ignorance to true enlightenment?

Thinking about that, I noticed several other areas where such blinding belief is present. Politics, penis enlargement pills, money-making schemes, ghosts, Atkins, diet pills, and a whole other host of items and agendas. The problem, I think, isn't really these things in particular. I firmly believe that the problem is on the peoples end. These things all focus on fundamental desires and self-esteem issues that people want to believe work - they need to feel it works. They are all placebos for self-esteem.

Say you are a moderately overweight person, and this aspect of your life has caused much harm to your day-to-day living. You cant' get dates. Other people are constantly making fun of your weight. You are insecure to the nth degree. You see a commercial for an electric belt that shocks your muscles into exercising, all without ever having to leave the comfort of the recliner that got you into this position in the first place. The infomercial shows hot, bronzed, muscular bodies of people half your age. Forget for a second that they've got muscles in places that the belt doesn't affect. You want to believe that dream because the alternative is so distasteful.

So, you order the belt.

The first time you plug it in, your body sweats, causing the belt to short-circuit and electrocute you. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not. This kind of thing really happens.

Weight is something that requires knowledge and work to maintain. The fact that exercise is difficult and boring, and your day-to-day life is too busy to take the time, it is really easy to want to buy into a something-for-nothing plan. Even if exercise is beyond you, that weight problem still controls you.

The problem, my friends, isn't that you believe penis-enlargement pills actually work. It's that you want to believe. Your self-esteem is controlling you from behind the scenes to make you feel better about yourself. Even faced with evidence to the alternative, that need to feel okay is more important. Nothing is more important.

Right?

Anyways, when it comes to literal interpretations of the Bible, it isn't really about whether the Bible is true or not. According to science, it's not by any objective measure in existence. That's not really what the debate is about, though. It's really what the arguments are about. It's because for some people, to deny the Bible is to deny God. God is such a large part of their very being that not only would living without God leave a hole in their self, it would mean that those many years spent believing were a lie. The same could be said about scientists on the day that God decides to show Himself.

But see, that's all okay. You don't have to deny God to interpret the Bible in a different way. You just have to deny the way that you've been choosing to honor Him. That's difficult, and not something just anybody will jump in to. It is a problem at the very core of self-esteem, and self-esteem has a defense mechanism that could floor King Kong if it wanted. People die because of self-esteem. The only way to overcome it is to recognize what you are doing and make that choice. We can't make it for you.

I imagine that it must be a scary prospect to be alone in this universe; to go into nothingness when you die... to not have those pearly white gates waiting for you, or to have a giant friendly figure who has reason for even the most senseless events. when your friend dies, it's comforting to think that he or she is okay - somewhere out there. It's a fundamental fear that everyone shares, kind of like contracting cancer or being inadequate in the eyes of those you care most about.

What I'm getting at with all of this, folks, is that religion is a placebo effect. It exists to make you feel better, as well as to control you. No real purposes beyond that, as far as I'm concerned. But, just like the things I listed above, people can take advantage of that need to feel purpose. They can offer sugar pills for $50 and claim that they will make you more attractive and confident, and people will buy them. They are taking advantage of a tiny hairline fracture in our self-esteem, and some people aren't strong enough to fight it.

I am anti-religion, but by no means am I anti-God. There are a lot of good things that have come from it, sure, but only on a small scale. These are things like communities, good deeds, and a direction toward friendship. There are also a lot of bad things that have sprung up from religion, and they're quite famous. The Inquisition, the Crusades, people murdering doctors that perform abortions (which I find hilariously ironic), trying to discredit science to gain support for creationism rather than using science to prove it. Some people take advantage of this placebo to control you.

To blindly follow is built into our very genes. It is a natural consequence of living. The callow follow the strong-willed. You have to be careful of who you follow. A good leader is one who can follow his own agenda while making his followers think it's theirs, too. All I'm saying is beware. Quacks and charlatans are out there in force, and it would be a mistake to think that whatever you believe with all your heart doesn't have plenty of both.

Watch the Weather Change

It's been a while since I've posted in this blog. From the history, it seems that I haven't written in this dusty thing since May. Sorry about that, to those of you that are following.

A lot has been going on for me, lately. I find myself facing several paths in life, and I'm not quite sure where to go. I pray and pray, and yet the answer has still not been made clear to me. I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm supposed to be doing right now, at this very moment.

I suppose that's a lot of people, though.

The choices I find myself with are all pretty big risks. Two of them involve packing up and shipping off to places unknown, where I will have very little support beyond faith in friends. History has shown me that this isn't always the wisest of decisions, and yet... I can't help but shake the feeling that perhaps I should at least try.

Then again, I can stay here in Maryland and make a solid attempt at putting this apparent writing ability of mine to use. The work that I've been doing on my novel has been, admittedly, non-existent of late. I can't seem to find the motivation to write in this blog, much less working on something that could make my worries disappear.

My feelings, as always, shall remain my own. I'm not quite sure how to express myself beyond what I have already said.

This brings me to the point of this particular rambling.

This has been a good fall, so far. The weather is that perfect, crisp autumn weather that we can typically only read about in books. It is that perfect time of the year where the days are cool, yet comfortable, and the nights have the kind of chill that makes one want to sit on the couch, curled up with either a good book or a loved one, huddling together for warmth. It is a time for relaxation, a time for love, and, above all, a time for reflection within.

As much as I would love to go into some deep, somewhat philosophical, entirely full-of-crap posting, I'm afraid that I just can't muster that. I just tried, and it all came out as absolute twaddle. Hell, as I'm writing this, it's 4:30 in the morning. This doesn't leave much room for deep thought. While the previous paragraph - and even the posting title - lead one to think that perhaps what I have to say this morning is worthwhile, I assure you all that it is not. My brain is simply too full of garbage to allow sleep, and so I sit here and babble it all out into a digital journal that some read, but goes rather largely ignored.

This must be what the writers of the New Yorker feel like.

Rambling With Insomnia

So, as of the start of this writing, it's currently 9:47am, and I am operating on less than five hours worth of sleep. I really don't have much to talk about right now, hence the lack of blog posts since the last one. However, I really need something to do to keep my mind occupied and trick it into slowing down enough to go back to sleep.

I've been talking with a girl lately. I'm starting to really, really like her. I'm not quite sure how or why this is, considering that I'm not exactly in a position emotionally to be doing something like this.

I dreamed last night that I had smoked crystal meth. This is strange, because it's not as if this meth is a drug that I indulge in. Sure, there have been past excursions into the realm of the tweaker, but it's just not my thing. Makes me too focused, and in my opinion, that entirely defeats the purpose of doing drugs.

The night before, I dreamed of getting into a really bad car accident, only to find out that a good friend had done just that the other day. Odd? I think so.

IRC has been getting to be more trouble than what it's worth lately. I'm sure that another hiatus from it is in order soon. On that note, I'm also becoming rather bored with World of Warcraft. I'm hoping that Cataclysm is going to be coming out soon, because I simply need more content to keep myself occupied.

I am not attracted to black girls, for the most part, but my friend Amira is quite possibly one of the most beautiful women that I have ever met.

What the hell is a Juke Joint Jezebel? And why is it worth writing a song about?

I have $400 sitting in a bank account that I didn't know about. Hell, I thought that the bank account itself was closed.

I am hoping that work today isn't too harsh.... I have plans for tonight, though, so that's good, too.

I'm gonna stop letting my brain leak on here, now, as this is just getting ridiculous.

Nonsense.

Defunct.

Ebb and Flow

As of this writing, I am spending about a week or so in Pennsylvania, in an attempt to get away from the rat race that is Rockville, Maryland. It is calming at the spot that I'm at, and I've been letting my mind wander around in contemplation of... well... anything and everything. As I was staring at the creek that is at the bottom of the hill that this house rests upon, I came to a sudden realization.

People who say that life just isn't fair are nothing more than egotists.

I'm guilty of letting these words slip past my lips, just as I can say with confidence that most anybody who happens to be reading this little blurb is, as well. It's something that we grow up listening to, having it shoved in our faces and down our throats on a disturbingly regular basis. I feel now that this should probably stop.

The times that we say that life isn't fair are the times that we find ourselves at a crossroads, of sorts. These are the times where we lose a job, a friend, a pet, a loved one... whatever. These are the times in life that we probably aren't at all at our best, and we're doing what we can to get by, and even though we're making it, we're still upset by the circumstances.

Understandable, sure, but why say that life isn't fair? Just because things aren't going the exact way that you envisioned them to go, does that mean that life isn't fair? Not at all, really. I think that life is very fair. It treats all of us in the exact same fashion that it treats everybody else. It makes no exceptions for anybody when it wants to throw us some form of curveball or another. Life doesn't ease up on us just because we look at things positively, or because we're good people. Just because someone is an alcoholic, that doesn't mean that life is going out of its way to get that person.

I came to this realization as I was staring at the flow of the water of the creek, sitting on the banks. The flow was calm, slow, and steady at one part. There's a bridge that overlooks the creek, and right beneath it is a miniature waterfall. At this point, the current goes haywire, and there are white peaks to the water as it flows. There are rocks that attempt - vainly, I might add - to slow the water, and yet it just continues on its merry way, going around the rocks, or over them entirely. After the rocks, the current is speedier than it was prior to the waterfall, but it stables out and becomes calm once more.

It was only after some reflection about what I was seeing that I had the "ah ha moment" of the day. This creek, in all of its natural splendor, is a wonderful analogy of the way that life is. When things speed up in your current of life, they can get quite hectic rather quickly. This is something that some people meet head on. Others try and fight against it, and are the ones that typically end up saying that "life just isn't fair."

Listen: I propose to you that life is, indeed, fair, and that you have two options when the current starts picking up. You can either A) meet the current - and the invariable rocks that are in your way - head on and go around them, as the creek does, or B) you can fight against it and end up getting caught in the undertow and dragged along the rocks on the creek bed, only to emerge on the other side battered and bruised.

Realize, folks, that life is fair. This is something that I'm convinced any man and woman of any kind of faith or belief can agree upon. Life isn't out to get you; it's just simply out there. It's what we choose to do with it that counts.

Take Offense to This

I was going to go to sleep. I'm physically exhausted, even though I did nothing but stay in recovery today from the night before. I sat on my little inflatable mattress, waiting for sleep to take me, and it still hasn't. There's a lot on my mind, you see. While I'm still all about the positive energy from the last blog post, there was something that went down today that has me just a little bit bothered. Long story short, I was trying to prove a point to someone, and they took it entirely the wrong way and they are now mad at me for it. I really don't mind this, as it happens a good bit. What bothers me is that this person wants me to take responsibility for something that I just can't bring myself to. I can take responsibility for what I've done, but not for who I am.

Anyways, that's not what brings on tonight's babbling. No... what I want to talk about tonight is a book called "All The King's Men." It was, essentially, one of the books that helped to open my eyes. Before reading this book, Moby Dick was, to me, a whale, and nothing more. Allegories were the things that crawled out of the sewers and ate your dog. Explicit motivation was taken at face value, and by golly, I liked it that way.

Not after this book.

It's been a while since I've read it, but from what I do remember, it was a kind of political thing about a guy running for some form of office in Louisiana. However, the book isn't really about this guy; it's more about one of his aides, a guy by the name of Jack Burden. He is an observer, and happens to be the narrator of the tale.

He watches things around him happen without feeling attached to them. He is what I like to call a "disinterested third party," where the events never connect with him. If someone were to try and kill him, he would examine their motivations for wanting to take a life without ever really registering the fact that was that close to being murdered. During the course of the book, he has to perform a deed which is not admirable and doesn't learn until afterwards what the result of that action would be on him.

I identified with that character. I very rarely identify with much of anything, fictional or otherwise. This very well could be the main obstacle in my way of being capable of connecting with others. Howard Roark from Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" is one other such character. Charlie Kaufman from "Adaption," and Randall from the "Clerks" series is the only other one. Most of the time, I identify with the tortured souls that are the creators of these works rather than with the fictional characters that they painstakingly created.

I am, admittedly, a disinterested third party observer. I've pretty much managed to remove myself from the equation because I'm not a very interesting person. One of the things that I've noticed from various forms of conversation (God bless the digital age) that I've had is that people think that I write and say the things that I do because I am angry, or bitter. It has happened, sure, but mostly I write and say the things that I do because I find them either absolutely fascinating, or just downright hilarious.

Generally, there's no anger there; simply curiosity. When I see someone make a cryptic status update on Facebook, or write a particularly interesting blog post, or even do something like yammer on and on into their cell phone while driving a 3-ton death machine, I want to know why. What hidden motivation prompted them to do that? What was it about their day or conversation or whatever that made them react the way that they did? For what cause does someone abandon reason and debate in favor of name-calling and insults when someone counters their argument with logic? I look at these things because I find them interesting, not because I really feel particularly involved.

When it comes to dealing with my public image, I've experimented. It's been almost scientific in nature. I've tried ignoring people. I've tried reasoning with them. I've even tried - on multiple occasions - to piss them off on purpose. Not everything I have tried has been for the benefit of actually improving said public image. I want to know how this whole public image thing works. I want to poke it, prod it, make it squirm so that I can come up with theories and postulations about why people act the way that they do. That involves me personally and means little except when the experiments also start to interfere with the day to day operations of my life. When I can't find the time to write something - anything - or I watch my firewall blocking attempt after attempt of someone trying to hack my computer because they've developed a distaste for me without a mature approach to handling it - that's when I start to care.

A lot of the people who hate me take it personally. I understand it, to a degree, but I really can't say that I approve or agree with their actions. I've been watching people for a long time, and that little friend that we call "self-esteem" is a lot hardier than it lets on. Suck it up and move on. Seriously, what have I done to have people wish violence upon my person? Did I kill their dog? Did I wreck their car? Did I betray their trust? No... My arrogance, having been spawned from some sick sense of confidence and disconnection, just makes them feel bad about themselves. And you know what? I don't think that people like that very much.

I am smarter than you.

Did you feel that? That little kick in your gut? That's your self-esteem trying to protect you. No, I don't really think that - not even secretly to myself. If I did, I'd have lower expectations of those around me, and the world as a whole. Everybody expects everybody else to act with this thing called "Common Sense," so I'm not the only one that has high expectations for your behavior. However, when you're unwilling to live up to those expectations - either because you think you can't (more than likely not true), or because it is too much effort - then it hurts to be held to those standards.

Self-esteem is.... well, it's really amazing. I can't tell you how awesome it is. Without it, we'd be collectively really, really unstable. We'd probably all commit suicide the first time someone insulted our mother. It's a self-defense mechanism, and it saves your ass a lot more than it gets in the way. Don't be fooled, though; it can get in the way. It can create a sort of mental deadlock where you want to go in one direction, and your body doesn't want to. then your brain - another amazing thing - will fabricate some sort of fantasy roadblock that you accept. That roadblock, when it comes to the act of creation, is the biggest hurdle that you will ever climb. It's not even close to surpassing your own self-doubt.

Here's the part that you probably don't know: Self-esteem comes from different places on different people. That's right. We are not all created equal. For some people, their self-esteem is tied directly to having fun and doing interesting things. They do things such as write because it is an enjoyable hobby, perhaps one that they can share with their friends. They do it when they have the free time and it doesn't interfere with school or family or friends and so on. If they can write something that is good and it makes people happy, then great. If not? Oh, well.

That's not me. It wouldn't matter to me if this blog, or even the book that I'm writing, was the greatest one in the whole entire world if it wasn't made by conscious decision. Happy accidents are for study, not praise. It also doesn't matter what the final product looks like. It is the process of the creation that I care about. My self-esteem comes from the cause and relationship, and knowing how to use both for intelligent design. I am a teacher and a student, not a friend, and that is the type of relationship that I seek with other creators.

I sometimes forget that not everybody approaches the act of creation the same way. Ultimately, it's a good thing. The problem is when you start creating communities around the act of creating something. People like me are significantly out-numbered. I've already had several people tell me to "just chill" when it comes to this blog, because, to them, I'm just making entries into what really only amounts to a digital journal to people that don't really care. To me, it doesn't matter if it's this, a novel, balloon animals, or even ballistic missiles - I do it because the act of creation is a challenge that I seek and appreciate.

So, yeah. I'm guilty of starting stuff, sometimes, but I'll not take all the blame myself. I've just as often been some Pygmalian project of the writing community. How I should act. How I should think. How I should create. Why can't I be more like so and so? Why can't I find the joy in a community of like-minded souls?

Honestly, the answer is quite simple. It's because I'm not like them, and it is really a physical impossibility for me to ever be like them. I know a lot of people out there hate me with a passion, but still enjoy the things that I write and post for the world to see here in the Blue Nowhere. But those very same things that you despise about me are the same qualities that I use to not only create things, but do the things that I do routinely. You despise my being a stubborn buffoon, but I've fought tooth and nail to get my ideas and discussions recognized without being completely ostracized from polite society. You despise my seriousness, but it's what allows me to sit back and think critically about whatever situation that I find myself facing, and it's also what allows me to come up with whatever idea that puts the hair up my butt to sit down and start writing the things that you all say are really good.

I don't think that these facts have been lost or unappreciated by those who are blissfully unaware of what it's like to be this way. You despise my arrogance, but I really wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think I could do it better than most have, or at least bring some fresh, new discussions to the table. With that little arrogant thought driving me, I've made a pretty good go at it, and you know what? I'm not done yet. I'm actually so arrogant as to think that my writings and ramblings and raving and misbehavings and so on could be even more amazing than what they are now, and all that it requires is probably a little more thought and attention put into them. How arrogant is man that he thinks he creates as a god?

This is why I link my blog to as many people as I can. It's good, I think. It's good because I've taken those qualities which prevent me from connecting with other human beings and used them to create something amazing. I am human, just like you. I don't like lima beans or corn. I get the occasional pimple on my butt. I like looking at naked girls. I have chronic insomnia and a high risk of esophagus cancer due to my smoking habit and the fact that I have excessive reflux. Sometimes my bowel movements are irregular.

But, I write things like this blog, and their bowel movements are perfect. :)

Back to the Jack Burden thing. Back when I first read it, I probably should have listened to the point of the novel. By the end, he sort of wakes up and accepts his place in the puzzles of life - at the time, I wasn't ready for that, yet. I didn't understand everything then, and I honestly still don't. I want to keep watching. I want to keep reading between the lines while I still have the distance. Many think of this as a flaw, and I'm coming to understand why. I'm tired of living life like this, and I'm moving on. There's still some time left to enjoy the distance, and I intend to. But you know what? I really don't think I'm going to miss it as much as what I originally thought when it's finally gone.

Moving Forward

There are moments that come and go in life where one realizes just exactly how things are going inside of themselves. These moments can be either good or bad for our psyches. I call them "ah-ha moments." I have recently had the opportunity to have such a moment, myself.

For the longest time, I have been an angry individual. My anger stems from several events that have happened in my life throughout the almost twenty-five years that I've been exposed to the world around me. Rather than "biting the bullet," so to speak, and moving on from these things that have angered me to the point of being a bitter person, I instead chose to become a product of my past. On retrospect, I feel that this probably wasn't the wisest of decisions.

It wasn't until I recently hurt someone very close to me - quite possibly without hope of repair - that I decided to take some time off from everyone and everything to really take a look at why this happened again, and, more importantly, why it continues to happen on a disturbingly regular basis.

Having had said time off, I came to the realization that I honestly have absolutely nobody to blame for this but myself. Too often have I let myself become a victim - and at times even made myself to be one when I really wasn't. In an attempt to rationalize the things that have happened, I have become something that I loathe. It is time, I believe, to change all of that.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I often times reply with "depressingly typical." I am only half-kidding when I say this. I am tired of living this way. I am tired of being depressed, drained, and angry all the time. I am tired of always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I am tired of pushing people away.

I understand that I'm not exactly the most social of creatures, and as a result, I am constantly penalized in polite society for not exactly understanding - or even caring about, really - proper social etiquette. This has interesting results some times, but in the long run, I believe that it has hurt me more than helped me. I am always waiting on people to let me down, because that is what I have come to expect.

This is all going to change.

This is all changing because, in all honesty, I am tired of living this way. I am sick to death of waking up every day, not appreciative of what I have. After having spent some time with a really good friend and her husband over the weekend, I have come to realize that I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I have been through a lot in life, sure, but I really should be a lot more grateful to the fact that I'm still here. I'm still alive and kicking, and that's a start.

I used to think that I'm only alive out of pure spite for those around me, but I see now that I'm wrong. I'm strong because I'm resilient, but I honestly have no idea how much longer that is going to last. I need to make some changes, or else it is going to quite literally kill me.

I am done living my life alone. The only reason I'm doing so is because I allow it. I have a job. I have a car. I have good friends that are always there for me, even when I don't deserve it. I have things in life to look forward to, and you know what? That's something. It's more than what I've ever had, and I need to stop taking it all for granted.

I've carried these things with me for far too long. There's a difference between a healthy dose of cynicism, and just being outright angry and hurt and so on all the time. I'm done with it. As much as I understand that we all have our crosses to bear, I really don't think it reasonable to be breaking one's back by carrying around the statues of our past, as well.

All of these thoughts come after much self-reflection, prayer, and communing with God. I see now where I'm wrong. I just honestly wish that I didn't have the pay the price that I did for it.

What's This Really About, Anyway?

I'm supposed to be preparing myself for a rather interesting debate between myself and an accepted intellectual equal about the differences between faith and science. I can almost see the grimaces on the faces of those who are currently reading this, and I whole-heartedly understand why they are there. With any luck, this little debate will not branch down the normal path - when I'm involved, things rarely happen like they should. Many can attest to that.

Egotism aside, I am, obviously, debating the case for the side of faith, and why I believe that it's a valid worldview - for want of a better term - than that of... say... believing we evolved from monkeys.

Now, I could easily follow the path of the ignoramus, and make simple-minded arguments like "I don't come from no monkey because they ain't turnin' into humans over at the zoo!" or even "I know it's true because I have faith in the fact that it's true." or even the most ridiculous statement at all to make when finding yourself arguing the case of faith: "I know it's true because it's in the Bible, and the Bible is infallible."

Some of you reading this might think that these are solid answers, and ones that should be taken seriously. I assure you, this isn't the case. That's like explaining the taste of barbecue sauce to... say... a frog. Alternately, the other side of the case needs to see it as such, too, because otherwise, it isn't so much of a debate as it is a breakdown of communication reminiscent of days spent on the playground as a child - days that are, sadly, long gone.

"Bang! I got you!"
"Bang! No, I got you!"
"Nuh-uh! You missed!"
"I can't miss! I have eagle eyes!"
"Well, I'm invisible!"
"But I also have infrared!"

...

As you can see, this "conversation" is going nowhere, really fast. Seeing as how neither side is willing to give, nobody gets anywhere, and it becomes nothing more than a frustrating cycle of mental circle-jerking onto a cookie, where the one who gets the last word can make the other eat it.

All metaphorically speaking, mind.

I digress. The point that I will attempt to make in tonight's little debate is that having faith in a God that I know is there and loves me and guides me as much as I will let him is no different than having faith in a theory that states that human beings came to be from monkeys, or holding any other belief, for that matter.

You see, when someone comes to me and says something along the lines of "My belief is better than yours!" I tend to raise an eyebrow. I always have, honestly. It might just be the philosopher in me, or even my incessant need to play the devil's advocate, but either way it's looked at, I always ask them "Why?" If they cannot - or will not - give me reasons why it's better, then I cannot - and will not - take them seriously about anything. Ever.

All too often in this debate, we see two people talking down to each other, rather than using proper communication to properly discuss why it is that they believe what they do. Rather than speaking to each other as equals, they both go in half-cocked with their thumb on the pulse and their finger on the trigger, and nothing more than raised blood pressures gets accomplished.

My argument is that it is no more foolish for me to believe in a God that I don't physically see than it is for them to believe in evolution. The typical argument is that science has all the answers, and proves time and again that the belief in God is foolish. The other side - the one that I'm now arguing for - says that God has all the answers and they are in the Bible, and that what is written in the Bible is all that there ever is to know about life. I propose that both sides in this case aren't wrong, but they aren't right, either.

I am saying that the faith in a scientific theory is no different than the faith in an all-knowing, unconditionally caring creator. I say this because even though I know that there is a God and that He does exist and care about me and love me, I simply cannot explain it to someone who does not believe in that. There is no way for me to argue that faith in God is better than faith in science, because they don't want to hear it. Hence, my reasoning for playing the fence in this debate and making an attempt to offer a different point of view.

Honestly, if one reads the Bible - more specifically, the things that Christ Himself said - you will find nothing that goes against what modern science has taught us. Modern science has also taught us that certain things that the Bible says to do and not to do were really very good things to know back in the days when sewage systems weren't even a glimmer in the eye of whoever it was that invented them originally.

What you will find in His words, however, are multitudes of parables and messages that all say the same thing: love your brother as you would love yourself, and put God before all others. It's with this in mind that I approach this subject, and only with much consideration and trepidation am I finally sitting down with this friend of mine to present what it is that I have learned.

He believes in evolution, because he's never experienced God. I believe in God and have an unshakable faith in Him, because of the things that I have seen and experienced. I cannot hope to have him see things my way, because that cannot happen. I can see things his way, sure, but only because I've been in his shoes before. I'm familiar with that belief system, and I'm familiar with how to approach people coming from that point of view. Not saying I have the upper edge, here. Far from it. What I do have, however, is faith in the knowledge that I have at least tried to bring to him another point of view. Planting seeds, and all that.

I'll post the conversation after it happens. :)

Progression, or Oppression?

So.... the health bill has passed. If you have no idea what this means or why it's relevant, perhaps maybe you'd benefit by clicking here.

The Republicans are stamping their little feet about the whole thing, and are just as outspoken about Democrats as they ever were. The Democrats, on the other hand, are patting themselves on the back and ignoring what the Republicans have to say, just as they always have. The pie has been sliced. Our health care system is going to be reformed.

Some people rejoice at this, as they feel that it's a big step forward in American history, and that those who would call themselves "progressionists" should be celebrating, shouting their feelings of elation and success far into the wee hours of the morning. I, however, believe very differently about this. You know that something as awesome as a reformed health care system in this country isn't quite what it seems when even Noam Chomsky is saying that it shouldn't be celebrated quite just yet.

For those that would like a greater perspective, you can get Mr. Chomsky's point of view here.

Personally, I'm not quite sure what to make of this new bill. I honestly have no clue whether or not I should be excited, or worried. From the wording of it all, it seems as if I am going to be forced to have medical care that I cannot afford, and the whole thing seems to be designed to do nothing more than funnel money into the pockets of private insurance agencies and pharmaceutical corporations. I really cannot abide by this. The one thing that made this whole thing worth it for the American populace to begin with was the fact that this was supposed to be free. Alas, that is no longer the case.

As it currently stands, I realize now as I write this little blurb that I simply don't have enough information on the whole thing to really be able to talk about it on any real intellectual level. I suppose that I am going to have to play the waiting game and sit on my hands until such a time as this thing has a real chance to flesh itself out and show us all if it's going to rape us or not, and if it does, will it at least have the common courtesy to give us a reach-around? Only time will tell.

Ladies and gentlemen of America, the countdown has begun.

Paradigm Shift

This post is meant for Christians. I encourage the non-believers to read it, of course, because I want you all to know that there is someone out there who sees things your way, and wants the way the Church treats you to change.

I was speaking at some length with a very good friend of mine - indeed, he is very much like a brother to me - about spiritual walks and the like. Come to find out, he and I are in very similar places spiritually... we're both aware that we aren't 100% right, and we're both working on getting to where we need to be next.

What was interesting, though, is when we got to the subject of the church that we both used to attend. You see, there's this thing that's apparently going on there that I'm not too comfortable with, and I see it happening everywhere I go. While there's definitely been some growth (they now have a respectable building... when I attended, it was nothing more than a converted horse barn), there's a problem of acceptance.

You see, there's this huge problem with churches, anymore. They're just not comfortable. I know what you're thinking by now: "Dude has lost his mind. Churches aren't supposed to be comfortable." See, that's where you're wrong...

As a rule of thumb, Christians aren't perfect. We're just forgiven. I know that sounds arrogant, and I apologize if you took it that way. But it's something that needs to be said, not for those that don't share our faith, but for us. We need a big reality check most of the time, mostly due in part to an absurd catch-22 situation that pretty much ostracizes us from the rest of the rational.

There's this core belief in Christians that pretty much goes unquestioned, and it pretty much states that the only people you should be surrounding yourself with are other Christians.

Well.... that's alright. I guess. The only problem with that is that you're effectively screwing yourself out of what you all claim is your main purpose: to win souls in the name of God so that none shall know the suffering of the sinful. This is what you are here to do, correct? To do the will of God?

Why, then, do you neglect your brothers and sisters so?

The biggest problem facing the Church right now, ladies and gentlemen, is the fact that they are simply turning a blind eye to those that aren't believers, or those who may not share the exact same way of worship as they. I might be nuts, but... doesn't this seem just a tad counter-productive, especially considering the fact that James 5:19-20 tells us the following: "Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him; Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins."

You are not going to get anywhere unless some things start to change. For example: Stop chastising the younger generation from associating with their age peers just because their age peers aren't believers. You are judging these people before even getting to know them or where they're coming from in their walk of life.

There is this saying that I learned while attending those "Anonymous" classes, and it goes something like this: If you constantly do the same thing the exact same way over and over again, and expect a different result each time, that's a sign of insanity.

Hmmm....

One thing that you find way too often is people using their position of a Christian to judge others and consider themselves blameless in front of those people, and sadly, that just isn't the case. It seems as if we need a reality check, Church, because these current tactics of advertising your events throughout the community and hoping that people who aren't currently members come in and see what the hubbub is about is simply not working. Saying "churchy" things to newcomers like "God has a plan for your life!" over and over again isn't working. None of these tactics are working, because they are old, and, as the wonderful Bob Dylan once said... Times, they are a changin'.

The biggest thing that is getting in our way is this false sense of the right to judge others that is being inadvertandtly instilled within us. There are many, many verses in the Bible that advise us against this course of action. For example, 1 Samuel 2:3 says "Stop acting so proud and haughty! Don't speak with such arrogance! The LORD is a God who knows your deeds; and he will judge you for what you have done." Take some time and let that sink in before I go into why that is one of the many that I have selected to warn against such skulduggery.

If you're reading this, then I'm going to presume that you let it sink in. The reason I quote this particular verse is the fact that we are, indeed, speaking down on the non-believers with arrogance. Granted, it's not intentional by any means, but it's there, and they see it. They aren't blind to it, even if you are. We seem to forget that we, ourselves, are not perfect by any stretch.

It is my belief that Satan is poisoning the Church from within. It's really the only effective way to make something like that fall apart, to be perfectly honest. I have seen it happen in person with the church that I was attending in Pennsylvania, before the supposed "elders" had their field day with the pastor. I won't get into it unless prompted, but suffice it to say, it was a perfect example of the cancer that is growing within the Church, and spreading rapidly.

It is something that is plaguing many churches across the world... and the worst part is, people don't even realize it. You wonder why your church isn't growing? The answer can be found in Luke 18:11 "The proud Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: 'I thank you, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else, especially like that tax collector over there! For I never cheat, I don't sin, I don't commit adultery." There are too many supposed "Christians" that have this mentality, and it isn't right. Instead, I point you all to the same tax collector, who says his own prayer in Luke 18:13 - "But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, 'O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner."

Here's what I'm getting at: Isaiah 11:3 says "He will delight in obeying the LORD. He will never judge by appearance, false evidence, or hearsay." As Christians, it is our job to keep that in mind at all times. We simply cannot expect people to come to us, because of the sheer simple fact that it just doesn't really happen anymore. Yeah, sure, it happens every so often, but... it's not often enough that we can rely on it. We have become complacent in our battle against Satan, and even allowed him to infiltrate our ranks and start tearing us apart from within.

What I am calling for is a paradigm shift in the way that things are done. There is no reason that we cannot go to those that are suffering. There is absolutely no problem whatsoever with going to those that are without God on their turf. As a matter of fact, I find that it's far more effective than inviting them into a church where they shall be viewed as a "tax collector."

Listen: The Bible tells us that we need to go in and release our brethren from the clutches of whatever spiritual prison is holding them captive. It is our responsibility to make sure that others don't at least have a chance to hear about God's word and His desires for them. This is evidenced in Acts 5. I was originally only going to bring up a few key verses, but I'm feeling a bit of a preach coming on, as my old pastor used to say.

Taking apart the entire book bit by bit, we're gonna get to some great nuggets that's gonna tie this whole thing together. I know I've gottena bit rabbit-holed with this, but bear with me...

Acts 5:1-4 begins to tell us a tale of a man and his wife who sold their property and kept some of the money out of the profits for themselves, while lying to the disciples about the amount. I find this interesting because this is a blatant example of what is going on in the Church right now. There are people out there who are telling themselves - and each other - that they are all about saving souls in the name of God and doing His bidding, but, in reality.... they are lying about it. Whether or not they are aware of their deceit remains to be said, but in all honesty... what does it matter?

In Acts 5:3-4, Peter calls this man out on his lie. Good thing to do. It's what anybody should be doing when they detect BS, Christian or not. At the end of it all, Peter points out that dude wasn't just lying the apostles.... he was lying to God Himself. Again, I ask that any believe out there start doing some serious self-reflecting... we are all guilty of this. Every. Single. One of us.

Now, where things start getting extremely relevant to what I'm talking about here today is right in verse 7, and continues to verse 10, when the man's wife comes to see the apostles several hours later. She agrees with the deceit, and suffers the same fate as her husband, who was struck dead for what he had done.

See, this is intriguing because of the fact that not only was the original sinner punished for his ways, but also his wife, who had followed his errant ways, and even agreed with the decision. They were both struck dead, and I have this feeling that the Church itself is about to be struck dead for much the same reasons... lying to God.

Let's continue on with this little lesson.

Now, in Acts 5:11, we find that great fear gripped the entire church when they found out what had happened. Not surprising. They just got a kick in the pants about what could happen for even following the path of arrogance.

Now, it's right around Acts 5:12-13 that we start getting to the core of the problem. 5:12 states that the apostles were out doing whatever they could to shake things up and bring more people to the side of God. The exact text as it appears in the New Living Translation - with the key words in bold text - is as follows: "Meanwhile, the apostles were performing many miraculous signs and wonders among the people. And the believers were meeting regularly at the Temple in the area known as Solomon's Colonnade."

I bolded the words "among the people" because it's extremely relevant to what I am trying to get across tonight: We cannot expect results by sitting safely inside of our church walls and expect the outsiders to come to us. God Himself saw fit to include the fact that it was only the believers who were meeting up regularly at the temple. The way it is worded leads me to believ that while they were doing that, the apostles were busy working the crowds, doing their very best to get more people to believe.

Now, it's right at Acts 5:13 that we get to the most chilling part of why I'm talking about this. "No one else dared to join them, though everyone had high regard for them."

Peter and the apostles were doing things very, very differently back in their days. The Church had its cancer back then, too. Satan will not stop with what he's attempting to do. He doesn't want us to succeed in God's will, but God has provided us with a way to move foward in a direction that is more suitable to His purposes! That way is by shaking things up a bit, and doing things differently, much like Peter and the others did all throughout Acts.

Don't worry, I'm going further into this. We're almost done. I promise. :)

While everyone was sitting uselessly inside the Temple, Acts 5:14-16 go on to encourage us to do something different, as the apostles did, and get out there and make people see what it is that we're doing. They read as follows:

"And more and more people believed and were brought to the Lord -- crowds of both men and women. As a result of the apostles' work, sick people were brought out into the streets on beds and mats so that Peter's shadow might fall across some of them as he went by. Crowds came in from the villages around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those possessed by evil spirits, and they were all healed."

Where in there, people, does it say that the apostles sat in their chairs, nestled safely away from all harm and evil inside of the walls of the Temple? It doesn't. It left that specifically to those that are doing what you are currently doing now.

Alright. So. We've learned that the apostles did it back then. So what, right? Yeah, I get you on that. But here's the thing: God did the same thing for the apostles when they needed Him most. Acts 5:17-20 is all the further I'm going to go with this little missive, because I feel that's all that needs to be said about it... Again, key parts are bolded.

"The high priest and his friends, who were Sadducees, reacted with violent jealousy. They arrested the apostles and put them in the jail. But an angel of the Lord came at night, opened the gates of the jail, and brought them out. Then he told them "Go to the Temple and give the people this message of life!"

And there you have it. God Himself is willing to walk into our prisons and set us free... so why is it that we cannot offer the same respect towards those that we claim we are charged with saving? Instead, we judge them without giving it so much as a second thought, forgetting what Christ told us in Matthew 25:36 - "I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me."

Keeping in mind that four verses later, He explains His words with "I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!"

The problem with this is that it works both ways, folks. If you are judging those that your siblings or friends or family or whatever are hanging out with because of the sheer fact that they are not exactly on par with you spiritually or they have no belief system in place - whatever the case may be - then you are doing the same to Christ Himself. Who are you to judge God? Remember what Job 21:22 has to say about this: "But who can teach a lesson to God, the supreme Judge?"

Deuteronomy 32:36 sends us a chilling warning: "Indeed, the LORD will judge His people, and He will change his mind about His servants, when he sees their strength is gone and no one is left, slave or free." I'll let you take that one in.

Now, before any finger pointing is done, allow me to tell you all I am not judging you... Not in the slightest. I'm simply doing what Peter did in Acts, and that's call you all out on what you're doing, intentional or not. I know that many of your probably haven't even gotten this far, and that's fine and well by me. Just know that, in the words of John 8:15, you all may judge me with all your human limitations, but I am not judging anyone here. I am just as guilty with not being a good Christian as any of you. My flaws are open season, and while I am not proud of the sins that I am plagued by, I will own up to each and every last one of them. I am not asking you all to do anything that I myself have not done, or am willing to do.

I had a great closing to this all typed out and on my computer clipboard, but it appears as if the Cut function ate it instead of doing what it was supposed to do. Ah, well. I do believe that the point has been driven across.

I bring up all of this not to make you all feel ashamed... only to show you where you are erring in your ways of trying to be a soldier for God. What you're doing just isn't working, and it's because of inactivity. I leave you with just one last group of verses, and then I will close it all out. Proverbs 24:30-34 states "I walked by the field of a lazy person, the vineyard of one lacking sense. I saw that it was overgrown with thorns. It was covered with weeds, and its walls were broken down. Then, as I looked and thought about it, I learned this lesson: A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest -- and poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber."

The Path Less Travelled

The other day, I was sitting outside of my mother's house, locked out. The weather wasn't bad, which I was eternally grateful for, but from the looks of the clouds, it wouldn't stay that way for long. My mom and her boyfriend were out and about somewhere, and I had no way of getting a hold of them.

My cell phone was inside the house, along with the rest of my belongings. I didn't bring it with me, as there is no such thing as cell phone service here... only dead zones. That being said, I took a walk to pass the time, as sitting around on the front porch was getting rather boring, and quickly.

I walked down the hill to the creek that marks the end of the property. I stared at the water for a while and reflected about everything that's going on in my life, and everything that has already happened, and started looking towards the event horizon that holds the future things that will happen to me. Sometimes getting in to these contemplative moods works out rather well for me. Other times, not so much.

This time, I feel that I was very fortunate.

After becoming bored with the water, I walked a little further in to this thicket that is on the property. I sat on a rock and thought about all of the decisions that I've made in life that led me to that exact point. I can't say that I was impressed with myself.

There was something bothering me... something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It wasn't until I started my way back to the locked and empty house that it hit me. On my way back, I was presented with a choice. That choice was to move forward through a patch of foliage that was more than likely some form of poison ivy or poison oak, or go up a muddy hill and around some rocks to avoid the possible poison. I made my choice in haste, and rather foolishly.

I walked directly through the unknown foliage.

As soon as I was done, it hit me. The thing that was bothering me about my reflections; the missing link, if you will.

You see, what I realized almost immediately is that I did what so many of us human beings are constantly doing throughout our lives: I took the path of least resistance. I'm not quite sure why I did this. The nearest I can figure is that it's in our instinct to do things like this. I took the way that was easiest, and as a result, I would possibly have itchy skin and a visit to the doctors office as a way of once again teaching me about cause and effect. If I were to have taken the path less travelled, i.e. the uphill way that would have involved some relatively hard work and yet no blemished skin and even, quite possibly, a better sense of accomplishment, I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

Believe me when I tell you, I started getting giddy over this prospect. It wasn't long before my mind went to other areas with this new information. I made the connection to what the Bible says about taking the path less traveled, and that's why I'm here today, writing this blog.

I know that I said that I wouldn't preach at you all, and believe me when I tell you that I'm not. I'm not in a good position to preach to people.... I'd be way too much of a hypocrite. All I'm saying is that Jesus couldn't have been too far off with his advice to stick to the path less traveled. Sure, it's harder work, but.... it's what is gonna keep you safe.

With this newfound realization, I immediately set to work, thinking about all of the times in life that I took the path that was most commonly travelled, and how they all invariably ended in tragedy for me.

There was the decisions I made when it came to drugs. I had some good times, sure, but I firmly believe that because of those decisions, I can no longer realize my full potential. The decisions that I made when it came to schooling. Sure, I graduated a year ahead of my class, but... what do I have to show for that, exactly? Nothing.

Time and again, we, as human beings, are forced to make decisions. I look back at history and I see what it was that made the great people so great: they took the paths less travelled, and the results were amazing. These are the people like Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and so on. Sure, these people made their mistakes in life, but they did something that so many of us - myself included - have problems doing: they moved passed their problems, and made something so much better of themselves.

And so I offer this as a challenge to all of us: at least once per month, let's make a decision in life to take the path less travelled, and see what happens. I look forward to the results.

Killing Time

The other day, I was playing World of Warcraft, and a Guildmate of mine said that he was "killing time as time was killing him." This is a concept that, I believe, anyway, escapes the confines of our conscious minds and is something that we, as humans, take for granted.

There is some terrible news that I have, and it's something that we've all already heard time and again, and yet, for whatever reason, tend not to think about. Just in case you weren't around - or weren't paying attention, for that matter - to hear it, I shall say it once again for your benefit:

You are going to die some day.

I know, I know... Shocking, right? That's just the problem. All too often, the case is that it is shocking to most people. A lot of us actively avoid thinking about the fact that we have a very limited time on this miserable little sphere that we call a planet. Instead, we make all sorts of plans for the future, securing our bank accounts, landing a job that we feel defines us as a person, etc. Hell, most of us don't even make it past our pursuit of the almighty dollar. We tend to ignore death as if it is nothing more than a fairy tale that we tell our children to frighten them into compliance with the rules.

Why, I ask, do we do this? We are all guilty of this. It's not as if we aren't reminded that our time is limited in this life on a daily basis. Not a day goes by that we don't hear of someone that we either know or admire passing away. We even hear news of the deaths of strangers. I really don't feel as if our treatment of the dead is all that respectful, either. We have really gone downhill as a society in this country when it comes to the subject of death. We have gone from revering the dead and respecting our limited amount of life to doing nothing more than allowing the passing of the living to fall through the cracks of bureaucracy.

Do you know what happens to people who die of any cause at all? After the proper authorities are notified and the body is taken off to the morgue, they are assinged a serial number. From there, the medical examiner (a glorified term for a mortician, really) has approximately 48 hours to fill out the appropriate forms for a death certificate. Yes, we need a certificate that states that we are officially dead, these days. After that, the form is mailed off to some other agency whose sole job is to mail it off to the World Health Organization. In this process, the deceased is assinged at least four more serial numbers. They lose their names, identities, and everything else that made them a person. They are no longer someone's son/daughter/husband/wife/neice/nephew etc... They are nothing more than a statistic, at that point.

This, I believe, is entirely inexcusable. We no longer fear death, and therefore categorize it as a way of rationalizing. It's a foreign concept to the lot of us. We go about our day to day lives, doing anything and everything we can to prolong them. There is at least five new diets created every day, each one claiming to be more healthy than the last, and, therefore, expanding your lifespan.

I normally wouldn't have a problem with this, but most of us are only out for ourselves. We want to be the last man standing, so to speak. Rather than using our time on this planet wisely, we splurge it all away, and for what? Honestly, I want you all to think about that for just a few minutes at the very least. What, exactly, is it that you are living for? Is it really all that worth while? Is it really something that people will talk about for generations to come?

I'm not saying that we should all strive to be great leaders and impacts on history and society. What I'm saying is that, thanks to the disregard of death, we have lost all sense of community. There are many factors that led to the loss of community and brotherhood here in America, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened with that, but I'm not going to beat a dead horse on the subject. If you honestly don't know the answer to that, then allow me to point out to you that you have at your disposal one of the greatest tools ever created to gather information, and it's literally at your fingertips right now as you read this.

Listen: I'm not here to scare you all into changing your ways. Realistically speaing, nobody is going to be able to change over night, and I accept that. What I am doing, however, is trying to redirect your thinking to another light. Consider my words here today. Stop killing time, because it's a waste. Instead, utilize your time to do something actually worth all the effort that you put into it. Make it something you can be proud of, and that others can actually respect you for. Do something for your community, or even something small and nice for your parents or significant others. Start small, and then work your way to the bigger things. It all comes in time, which, if you take what I'm saying to heart, you'll find will stop killing you if you can just utilize it properly.

Re-Awakening

Greetings, and salutations to you all!

I know factually that this blog has received absolutely no traffic whatsoever since I posted in it over three years ago. Today is the day that I hope to change all of that. Like the phoenix of legend, this blog has risen once more from its own ashes.

The blog posts will not be frequent, I am sure. They will, however, be written in such a way that they will (hopefully) invoke a great amount of thought within those who read them. The goal of these blogs is to expand horizons and open minds to new ideas. I am not here to preach at any of you, nor am I here to try and stir up controversy. Those days are done.

For those of you who don't know my name already, I am Rob. I am, as of this writing, twenty-four years of age. I like to consider myself a man of devout faith in Christ, although my actions don't always show it. I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form. I am nothing more than a sack of meat and water that is wandering about this planet just as aimlessly and cluelessly as any of you who may currently be reading this.

You see, I used to be an atheist, but I got better. That said, as an atheist, I used to read the Bible to tear it apart and use its own statements against it as a weapon of blasphemy. There were, however, certain things about it that I had liked, such as the fate of Lot's wife. Maybe I should explain.

Everbody knows about the Biblical cities of Sodom and Gamorrah. They are the two cities that Bible thumpers always reference when speaking out against homosexuality and witchcraft, and they always do it without fail. Inside of two of these cities, there was but one righteous man, by the name of Lot.

After a series of events, Lot and his family were guided from the cities by an angel of the Lord. They were told not to look back, or else God would punish them the same as He was the cities. Well, Lot's wife looked back, and because of that, God struck her down and turned her into a pillar of salt.

Before becoming cured of my affliction of atheism, I always smiled at that little story. Cruel, I know, but I just couldn't help it. In my eyes, Lot's wife was a hero of the human race. You see, at the time, it never occured to me that there was a meaning between the lines of the words. Sure, I knew what symbology through writing and allegories were, but I figured that since the Christians believed every word of this story book was absolute truth, they must think that this is what actually happened. There was no symbolism, merely words about the punishments that God gave out.

Anyway, I found her to be a hero due to the fact that what she did was a very human thing to do. While it never occured to me that she was looking back on the cities in a figurative way, I took it literally and always envisioned her turning around to look at the cities being destroyed. That was the human part of her action, and I admired her for it.

I tell you all of this because I, too, am a pillar of salt. We are all pillars of salt. And so, from one pillar of salt to many, I bid you welcome to this blog and what will hopefully be a wonderful journey down many edifying paths. I look forward to writing and sharing these thoughts of mine, and I hope that you all look forward to reading them.

Again, I am not here to preach to people about God and faith and the like. I am here to exorcise my own demons - my thoughts - because they are driving me crazy being trapped inside of my head with nowhere to go and nothing else to do than drive me nuts.

You are now entering the most prized possession that I have: my mind. You are all about to get a rare glimpse inside the Cynic.