I've been arguing with myself recently. The argument has been between my heart - something that I have only recently begun listening to - and my mind, which is something that has been around and a comfort to me for as long as I can remember and usually as loyally as any other friend could possibly be. As a result, I have learned to think over feel and take the "rational" decision every time.
Understandably, this has led to several disputes in the past. Many of these have driven wedges between myself and those that I care about, mostly because I usually end up choosing the wrong option. Donna, you pointed out to me last night that I was doing it again, and if I kept doing it, it would drive a wedge between us. I may not have reacted as you wanted, but what you said sunk in.
You asked me if I was happy, and how I could know if I never really understood happiness to begin with. The answer is that you remind me what it is to be happy. With you, I feel complete.
Cheesiness aside, let me explain.
I was talking to a friend tonight, who has been in similar situations, and he advised me to be... well... me. What I mean is that he said the way he solved is to do what I realized I always do for everyone else but truly myself. He said to third-person perspective the stance and think about what really, truly matters in the relationship.
I did this - and promise to continue doing this - and I came to realize that I am happy with this relationship and know that I'm happy because when I look at us from this perspective, I find that I make you happy, for whatever reason, in ways that nobody ever could and probably ever will. I find myself confident in this, and that confidence is what lets me know that yes, I am indeed happy. In the words of Arthur Dent: Yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes.
I love you, sweetheart, and I'm sorry that I was letting me get in the way of myself. I hereby promise to start working on changing all that. I'm not going to lie: It's going to take some time, but dammit, you're worth it, and so much more.
Donna, I was going to save this with some elaborate treasure hunt, but fuck it. I want you to know that I'm committed to this, and that you complete me in ways that no others ever could or will. I want you to marry me. Will you?