Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Blurble; or Into the Fire

As I sit here writing this entry tonight, I find myself staring down a fairly big and rather important life change. I'll spare you all the blasting of my personal life on a public blog. Suffice to say, things are changing, and in big ways.

In just a few short days' time, I will find myself transplanted back to the East coast; back to Maryland. I stare at this monster of a life event, and I peer at it suspiciously as I continue to puff on the cancer sticks that are slowly killing me.

I have mixed emotions about this. On the one hand, I'm rather excited because I'm being handed a very rare opportunity in life that we shall call the Reset Button. While it's not a full reset - nobody is that fortunate - it will be enough of one to change my life for the better, and for a very long time. On top of that, having the chance to see family and friends again is a rather exciting prospect, indeed.

On the other hand, as Steven Wright once said, you have different fingers. While this is an amazing opportunity, it's going to require a lot of sacrifices on my part, and ones that I'm still unsure if I'm actually willing to make or not.

The move is temporary - a time frame of three years - so there's that. But what's really bothering me about the whole thing is the unknown.

I have no idea what's going to actually happen when I get back home. I have a plan, of course; I'd be stupid not to have one. However, even the best laid plans may not bear fruit. And if that happens, fine. I can deal with that. It's what's going to happen between now and the part where the plan ends and the time frame has expired that drives me to wring my hands with worry.

If I had any hair left, I'm sure I'd be pulling it out.

It's exciting, and yet terrifying. If I had been in this position even last year, it wouldn't be as big of a deal as it is now. But with my daughter and her well-being now to factor into the equation, it completely changes everything.

I know that what I'm doing is the right thing to do. I know this because it's the harder thing to do. But that's little solace when you have no way of telling what kind of bullshit is going to pop up while you're off doing work. You can't help but wonder what will change, what won't. Pondering the unknown, the could be, and the might have been.

I am on the brink of madness.

And I feel strangely alive because of it.