Obligatory Post

And here we are, bringing a rapid close to the year of 2010. This year has been quite a journey for me, and I'm sure for you all, as well. We're now at an end of it, for better or for worse, and we all are out to party with friends, or be with our family, or even staying at home with a loved one, ushering in the New Year together in a sentimental way. However you all wish to spend it, I hope it's safe and awesome for you.

This has been quite a busy year. In the past 365 days, I have gone through a good bit, and a surprisingly small amount of it was bad. I have seen myself go through some serious attitude changes. I have become more responsible, and dependable. I have written more in this span of 355 days than I have in three years combined. I have also met some of the coolest people ever.

Now, I'm not sure how anybody reading this traditionally spends their New Year's Eve. I'm not very big on tradition, as any member of my family will tell you. It's not that I'm necessarily a scrooge, but I don't really understand why tradition is important. While that could be a post in and of itself, that will have to wait for another time (though, more likely, the idea will float off into the ether and cease to be). Tonight, there's one particular tradition that's on my mind, and that's the tradition of the Near Year Resolution, or as I like to call it, the Annual Lie.

Every year, we all set these resolutions for trying to be a better person. We are all constantly striving for that one thing that we think we really want. Some of us even go so far as to pray for it... The problem is, I don't think that we're asking for - or about - the right things.

In my experiences, real change doesn't come from some arbitrary desire to stop a bad habit or some misplaced desire to right a character flaw. These are good things, don't me wrong, but I don't get why we want to change these things for the new year. Why not start addressing them as you become aware that these are real issues? Why the procrastination?

Listen: I'm not saying that you're all lying to yourselves. I'm not that arrogant. But I can't help but to wonder how many of you have actually kept your promises to yourself. I also wonder if you were really making the resolutions for yourself, or were you doing it for others?

You can't really expect to change if it's for someone else. Not by any substantial means, anyhow. The only reason for you to change is because you really want to change. So before you all go about making these resolutions half-heartedly, I urge you all to think about who the resolution is really for. That's all I ask.

I'll shut up, now. I didn't want this to be a long post, but I couldn't help but to get on my soap box for just a minute. Here's to intoxicating ourselves to levels not only unreasonable, but also potentially unsafe.

Cheers.

Time Bomb

A blank stare on your face, because reality as you know it has just crumbled around you. Life was good, and suddenly, you're stuck facing a brick wall and it seems like there's no way out.

At first, you turn around and look behind you. You've left nothing in your path but a wave of destruction and emotional turmoil. You want nothing to do with it anymore, but where can you possibly go?

A normal person in these circumstances would go rely on someone else to get them out of trouble. They would seek out the comfort of family and friends. Me, personally? I run straight into the wall, and self-destruct.

Many people seem to be alarmed by this kind of behavior. Sure, it's a rather dangerous process, as you start putting your mind and body through sheer hell throughout the ordeal, but there is definitely something to be gained from it all in the end. Honestly, it's no different than anything else you do to yourself to make yourself healthier and better.

When we gain weight, we go on a diet. The first thing that any real diet (Atkins was not a diet) has you do is a total purge of your system. Not everybody adheres to the water requirements of this part of the diet, and soon learn their lesson on it. The entire point of this part is to get as much waste out of it as you can. A kind of systemic flush.

This process is not gentle, nor is it easy. The mind suffers more than anything, because you're fighting against yourself the entire way. You're trying to convince yourself that all of the discomfort and non-filling meals are going to be worth it in the end. Anybody who has gone through with this will tell you that the biggest hurdle is yourself.

After dieting, people typically start exercising to get fit, so that they can really fill out their new form. Some people take up running/jogging. Others do things like bike riding, weight lifting, or even just simple exercises that can be done around the house (like stretching). Have you people any idea what's happening during all of this?

Every time you stretch, you are tearing your muscles to shreds, and they regrow more flexible than last time. This is how people can get as flexible as they are. Even a relatively fat person can get this flexible with constant stretching. The same is said for when you're jogging, only now you're also running the risk of bone spurs in your shins. Weight lifting? Yep. Same thing.

Every single thing that we do to better ourselves physically, we are putting our body through hell. We are literally destroying it so that it comes back better. Why can't the same be said for our mentality and personality? From what I'm seeing here, there is no better way to make yourself better than to destroy it, first.

The trick is knowing which pieces of yourself to pick back up, and which ones to leave behind.

A Representative Government

There are things out there which I do not like - cannot stand - and yet, I can't help but to seek them out. One of these things is the comic strip "Mallard Fillmore." It's basically what would happen if you took Rush Limbaugh and turned his life into a newspaper comic strip. It's loud. It's obnoxious. And very frequently, it's stupidly wrong.

Case in point: The comic for Sunday, January 2, 2005, was about predictions for the new year. I think it said something about how the media will complain that the President continues to follow the agenda of only those who voted for him. Mallard Fillmore thinks it's stupid, suggesting that our representative government means that our representatives represent only those who voted for them.

I really don't get that reasoning, to be honest. We have a phrase for that. It's called "Pork Barrel Politics," and it isn't a good thing. No country - indeed, no society - could ever function under leadership which has the limited closed-minded views of a portion of the populace, even if it is the majority. There's a word for that, too. It's called "Fascism" - and guess what? America is fascist. Nobody wants one. It just sort of happens underneath everybody's radar.

Let's take a simple example. There is a group of four people and an elected representative. That representative's job is to be the voice of those four people - all four people. Three of them decide that the fourth guy needs to be shot. Does the representative agree with the majority, or does he stick to some ideological ground and stick up for the rights of all those he represents?

America was not founded on the majority. It was founded on an ideal - an ideal which should be ever-present whenever a decision is made. That ideal is that all men were created equal, and that each voice deserves to be heard. The majority, which is granted strength by solidarity and weakness by descent, is less important in a society driven by that ideal. If one voice is right, it doesn't matter if ten thousand of them are wrong - and it is certainly out of the question to stop that voice from being heard.

We have a government where we elect people to represent us, but that could not be further from the truth. The incumbent always wins because most people don't bother voting or learning about what they are voting for. With a two-party system, when you vote for anti-abortion laws, you are also voting for drilling in protected wild lands in Alaska, a war with Iraq, and tax cuts fr the top 1%. You also get homophobia, big business, and the freedom of any moron of any age to walk into a gun show and walk out of it with a semi-automatic rile. There are people who believe all those things, but chances are, if you're reading this, you don't.

You see, the way these representatives get elected - the way they take power - is by confusing you and tricking you. They say "Look over here!! Ooh! Abortion bad/good!" All the while, their real agenda is to give big oil contracts to companies they have intimate ties with, and seek benefit from. You think Obama gives a crap about homosexuals or abortion? He was the President of the United State! One of, if not the, most powerful men in the world. You think his meetings are about making more unborn fetuses get jiggy? Please. The dude's got more important things to scheme.

We, as a people, are being led around by our nose and we thank them for the opportunity. George W. Bush did not win that election. I don't care what the votes were, but without a paper trail for electronic voting, there is no way to say for certain (which probably benefited him more than he'd like to admit). We are no the ones in charge of electing our representatives any longer. They elect themselves, and the reason they can get away with pork barrel politics is because the system is so corrupt that they have no reason not to do those simple little things that will benefit them greatly.

Our government is corrupt. Worse yet, it's filled with stupid people. The people who aren't stupid (and there's plenty of them) aren't speaking up because it would ruin their career. They live in fear and subjugation - a trademark of fascism. You'll have to excuse me if I don't feel sorry for them, though. If enough of them spoke out, we could end this charade. This country is over 200 years old, now, and they are willing to throw away the next 200 over their job prospects for the next 10.

'Tis The Season

I should probably save this for later, seeing as how it's not quite time for Christmas yet, but seeing as how every retailer in the country has begun to shove the holiday season down our throats, I, too, shall board this bandwagon. While I don't celebrate Christmas - it's a bogus and highly secular holiday at best - I hope that those of you that do have a very merry one, indeed.

First and foremost, we'll get this out of the way. 'Struth.

I've been avoiding this topic amongst my peers for some time, as I feel it is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, as so many Conservative crusades turn out to be. Basically, it's someone shouting "I'm a victim! I'm a victim!" so loudly that they can't be ignored, and when you tell them to shut up, they go, "See!? I told you!" It seems that calling this crusade stupid would be playing right inot the trap, sell a few more books, and generally make me wish I had ignored them in the first place. Of course, this leads to the dilemma of eventually leading them to find some other victim crusade that I can't ignore.

I finally had a chance to go over the book, recently. In the past, I heard all sorts of silly things on FOX News (unsurprisingly, nowhere else), the most recent being some silly resolution protecting "symbols of Christmas," which FOX responded by putting on screen a full roll call of everyone who voted against said resolution... twice. So, I just so happened to find myself browsing the Internet for devious activities and, once again, my curiosity overthrew my better judgement. I checked the book out, and yup, it was every bit as stupid and victim-centric as I thought it would be. This particular entry is based on a brief examination of the book (especially the last chapter) and may not be completely accurate. But then, as the author said on FOX News, all forums and blogs are the litter on the side of the super information highway, so I guess I have absolutely no responsibility to him (or anybody else, for that matter) to be fair or accurate in my portrayal of his work. I'm going to try, anyway.

The book is basically a dozen or so chapters, each centering around a specific situation in which Christmas was somehow destroyed. I found it almost immediately intriguing that there are so few examples, played out in such detail. Are there more examples of these things, or perhaps the author is using a bit of selectivity to make his case for this "war?" The US is a huge country and we've been celebrating Christmas for quite some time. How many millions of Christmases weren't destroyed by this war? For every example he gives, are there ten thousand examples to counterpoint that? Are there any situations where Christmas was used to oppress the religiousness of others that somehow didn't make the cut? I'm willing to guess yeah. Lots. This is a one-sided argument that doesn't even - for a second - take for granted that what's not in the book matters in the least, and what's not in the book is far more representative of what's going on than the examples selected exclusively to build his point.

A war is something that's organized. There's no War on Christmas pamphlets going out. I know it seems so odd, but the fact is, these changes are a direct result of our nation becoming more comfortable with diversity. A store telling you "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" is simply admitting that you are a stranger and they could not or should not presume your religious affiliation. Is telling a Jewish person "Merry Christmas" going to offend them? Only in that you are making assumptions about them that aren't true. Saying "Happy Holidays" isn't an affront to Christians; it's an acceptance of the fact that not all of us belong to the same faith or ideals.

In my eyes, Christmas is officially a secular holiday, and it is completely possible for a government building to display pictures of Santa Claus, candy canes, and snowflakes. What you can't do is display a baby Jesus, because even if Christmas is secular, there's no way the Son of God ever could be. I personally find manger scenes to be offensive, but not because they are stupid. It's because everybody in them are white. It shows a grotesque misunderstanding of the time period and geographical location of the scene it's portraying. But I'm not going to make anybody take it down unless it does something else even more offensive, such as suggest that the government prefers one religion or another, or that it is done with tax payer dollars and excludes the interests of some of the very people which helped pay for it.

The last chapter in the book is entitled "The War on Christmas." If there is a war against them, and I'm a little more willing to believe this, it is a result of their own actions. When they try to remove evolution from science classes and replace it with thinly veiled religious myths, they are going to make enemies. When they tell gay people that they aren't entitled to the same civil rights as everyone else, they're going to make enemies. If they picket Planned Parenthoods, they are going to make enemies. If there is indeed a war, it's their war, and we are only trying to defend ourselves from them.

but the thing that really pissed me off about this chapter is that he reproduces some letter sent in to some random newspaper. The letter is simply someone complaining about people putting "Jesus has risen" signs in their yards, and says that it seems combative, like posting a pro-life sign in their yard. He didn't think people needed to draw battle lines starting at their front door, and suggested that faith should be something that is personal. Gibson (the author of The War on Christmas) totally rips into him for this.

I re-read the letter, and it wasn't offensive. It was complaining, but not unfairly and it made a couple of good points. It did not insult anybody nor did it attack anybody, but simply engaged in a debate about this practice. As people whom I interact with regularly know, I believe that the debate is everything, and when you can't have a debate, that's when you need it all the more. I really couldn't figure out why he was ripped into.

Gibson goes into a little bit about free speech and how the letter writer needs to appreciate that people have the right to speak, even if he doesn't want to hear it. I re-read the letter again. the guy never said they couldn't put signs in their yard. He wasn't trying to limit their free speech. He was just pointing out that it was a confrontational practice that he didn't agree with. Gibson needs to learn that one of the consequences of free speech is that anything you say can be challenged by someone else. If someone says something that you disagree with, it is your duty to respond in debate.

The next thing Gibson says is that this country was founded by "religionists." I'm not sure if that's a real word or not, but I assume that he means Christians. Problem is, he's wrong. Many of the founding fathers of this great nation were not Christians, but were, in fact, deists. They believed in some sort of non-interactive deity and did not participate in worship at all. In fact, Thomas Jefferson released a version of the Bible without all the fancy miracles and stuff written about Jesus, leaving just a man and his moral teachings.

This country was not founded on Christian ideals, but rather against them. The government was created in such a way that no one religion could ever take control of it and dominate the populace. Whatever you believe, you can and the government will never think better or worse of you because of it. I don't know where these psychos get the impression that there's hidden code in the Constitution that gives Christians the run of the country, but the simple fact is this country was created to prevent them from taking over, not give them the keys. You'd think that an educated news anchor like himself would at least know this much.

Geez, we already have abortions, but we have to defend it against Christian morals. We already have evolution, but we have to defend it against Christian beliefs. We already have the freedom to engage in behavior of our choosing in the privacy of our own homes, and we have to defend that, as well. We don't have gay marriage, but we are increasingly being left behind in this regard. There's a war in this country, but it's not against Christmas. It is started and engaged in by people who are against diversity and equal rights.

It is, in no uncertain terms, a war for America and I, for one, won't let the ignorant win.

The Game of Blame

Warning: Tonight's topic of discussion is what some would deem "controversial." Certain subjects touched upon tonight can easily be deemed offensive, crude, and downright disrespectful. If any of this bothers you, then do not read past the italicized text.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately. I've been ruminating on all sorts of subjects, from what I'm doing with my life to the meaning of existence as a whole. Most of all, though, I've been seeking answers.

I have so many questions, and so few answers to them, but that's alright. We're all in the same boat. We all have questions and inquiries that just can't be answered, for one reason or another. The one answer I have obtained, however, is an important one:

We have nobody to blame for the bad things that happen in our lives but ourselves.

Just about every single bad thing that happens in life is a result - either direct or indirect - of some bad decision or, worse yet, an indecision, that you've made. I know that probably makes a lot of you reading this feel very uncomfortable, as it well should. It's not an easy fact to face, and an even harder one to swallow.

Let's pretend for a moment that you are a parent. If you're already a parent, then this shouldn't be too hard. Anyway, your child has reached - or surpassed - the age where the decision-making process is left up to them. You no longer are in charge of what decisions are made for them, to a degree, and your job has now shifted to teaching that child about the cause and effect of their ability to choose a good decision over a bad one, while shying away from indecisions.

The child wants to go and play outside. Seeing as how the child is old enough to be outside without constant supervision, and you're preparing dinner, you let them outside on the premise that they have to keep their coat on. They agree, but no sooner are they out of your line of sight do they have their coat off and are running around in chilly weather without a care or worry in the world. The next day, however, they come down with a cold. Why? Because they didn't listen to you, the parent, about keeping their coat on.

This example is one that I had to use earlier to explain this particular viewpoint. While it serves its purpose in giving somebody a basic understanding about how I see the world at work, it really doesn't do the perspective a whole lot of justice.

I am a firm believer in Occam's razor, which basically states that the simplest explanation is more often than not the best one. With this particular idea in mind, I propose to you all that everything bad you are facing right now is your own fault, and nobody else's.

Consider the people who are constantly complaining about being broke and not having money to pay rent or bills, and yet they have a brand new sound system for their car, or expensive new shoes. If you are one of these people, tell me why you had the money for these frivolous items, and yet not enough to pay your rent/bills? What was the rationality followed for this decision? I really can't imagine needing these things more than, say, shelter or food.

A more extreme example of this can be found in the people who stay in abusive relationships. I really have no sympathy for people in this position, as it's one that is quite easily changed. While I know a lot of you are cringing right now, all I ask is that you hear me out.

Say you have a friend who entered a relationship, unaware that the person they started to date is an abusive jerk. As soon as this facet of personality is revealed, the logical thing to do is to get out of there. Instead, these people stay in this relationship. Why, I will never know.

I understand that there are some deeply rooted psychological issues that are involved with this situation, and that's well and good. However, there is such a thing as a point where one comes face to face with reason, and should just walk away forever. It's really not that hard to do, even if it seems like the odds against you are insurmountable. If you're a person stuck in an abusive relationship, and you're staying with the abuser due to some ill-conceived notion of love, then you are an idiot, and deserve what you are getting. As much of a jerk as that makes me sound, that's just how I feel about it. The same is said for those of you that are staying together "for the kids." You're doing more harm to those kids than you are good by staying with someone like that, and you need to wake up and realize it.

This brings me to the next point of the discussion. We've covered the cause, and now I feel it appropriate to talk about the effect.

There's a lot that goes through our heads in a short amount of time as we go about making decisions. However, there is one thing that I find most people these days are lacking, and that's an ability to see past the moment and come to the realization that there are consequences for every single action that you take. The problem is that these consequences don't always affect just you, even if it seems that way at the time.

You're a smoker. You've been smoking for years, and you have absolutely no intention of quitting any time soon. When you have a family, though, any sense of common decency says to change your ways. But if you continue to smoke, you're doing a lot of damage to your family, even if the affects aren't immediate. You are putting yourself at a high risk of contracting some form of cancer, and that is quite the devastating experience to all of your family, not to mention your friends. On top of that, you're setting the example for any child you may have that smoking is something that is okay to do. As a result of your decision, the people that you care about now have to sit back and watch you die slowly, and that is not a pleasant experience for anybody. In the end, though, you've got nobody to blame for it but yourself.

These ripples don't only exist in the extreme, though. They also exist in the mundane. In a past entry, I used an example of this kind of mentality by talking about a missed homework assignment. This is the same thing.

Say you decide to call out of work for a day, because you just didn't feel like going in. Because you called out of work, you miss a day of pay. This missed day of pay could have made the difference in being able to afford a new refrigerator when yours blows out, but since you made the choice to call out, you're now stuck for two weeks without a functioning food storage unit. The problem is, the malfunction didn't happen until about a week after you called out, and the reality of what you did doesn't hit you until your next paycheck, which is short on money because you missed a day. Sucks, doesn't it?

I'm not immune to all of this. I'm not known for making good decisions, myself. As a matter of fact, my track record when it comes to choices is pretty much as bad as the Spanish Inquisition.

As it currently stands, I work a job that I hate and pays me like a true wage slave. The sheer amount of absurdity that I have to deal with on a regular basis is enough to drive any man absolutely bonkers. This is, in all honesty, my own fault. I didn't finish school, and nobody else made that choice for me. If I really wanted to, I could have found a way to stay.

I have no car, because I didn't properly maintain the one I had. I also made a bad decision in purchasing a car that was manufactured by a people that can't even properly defend their own borders. Admittedly, I wasn't very responsible with the car, and if I would have made better choices, I wouldn't be in this situation now.

Keep in mind, folks, that I'm not exactly complaining about my station in life. I have come to accept the fact that I'm here for a reason, and that reason is a lack of good decision-making in my past. While I'm currently working towards a better tomorrow, I have to face the fact that my situation is what it is.

Ultimately, the choices that you make are your own. I can do nothing more to influence them than what I'm doing now, and I'm alright with that. You're going to do what you do, just as I'm going to do. The question, though, is do you have what it takes to accept responsibility for what you've done?

Beautiful Ugliness

There's an adage that states "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." In the world these days, I think that we often forget that.

I was messing around on Facebook yesterday, and this happened. For the rest of the night and pretty much all day today, I've been mulling over what the hell happened, there. Beyond the obvious breakdown in communication that using nothing but text causes more often than not, I mean.

A new friend happened to tell me that he agreed with what was really a joke on my part... I have no such extreme stance on makeovers, though I tend to disagree with people getting them. It's not so much the makeover itself that I have the problem with, though. It's the rationality that people use to make the decision to get one.

From a very early age, women are being told what is and isn't beautiful. From the way that they are being shown through their toys all the way to their adulthood, they are being blasted by what is, in all honesty, a rather impossible standard of beauty and how they should look to be considered beautiful.

This is not something that I'm alright with, truth be told. I'm not saying that there isn't such a thing as an ugly woman - far from it. However, it's as I said earlier... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I personally find women who wear overly revealing clothing along with tons of makeup to be revolting. These are the ones who are caught up in the superficiality that has become the culture of the modern American woman. These are the ones that will keep up with the latest fashion trends in their social class, because that's all that they know how to do. I find it quite pathetic.

In my honest opinion, modesty honors beauty. There is no reason that a woman should be made to feel ugly because she doesn't look like a Barbie. There is no reason for a woman to feel fat because she can't fit into a size 0 or 2. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for her breasts to be hanging out of her shirt so much that there is no room for the imagination.

I'm not quite sure when things gravitated to this particular route, but it's causing more problems within our society than what it's worth. Women out there are depressed because they "aren't beautiful enough." They are feeling unnecessarily bad about themselves because they can't look like a hooker.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'm not saying that women shouldn't get makeovers. Far from it. If someone needs a boost to the almighty self-esteem, then they should get it. However, they need to get it for the right reasons. They shouldn't get it because they feel that's what is expected of them. They shouldn't get one if all they are trying to do is fit in with the norm. They damned sure shouldn't get it because they feel that having a makeover will change them as a person altogether. If you're feeling bad about the way you are, it's because of some other issue than your looks, and changing your appearance isn't going to help with that.

I could keep on going with a whole slew of reasons, but I really don't want this particular post to be an extensive one. There are plenty of salons out there, ladies, that will help you realize how beautiful you really are, and they won't fill your head with tons of false ideologies about why having the makeover to begin with is going to change you as a person and make your life so much better. That's false advertising, and you need to be wary of it.

After speaking with Mrs. Suders and her husband both, I am convinced that she is no charlatan, and does good work and provides what is, sadly, a much-needed service in this day and age. She helps women realize that they really are beautiful, and she doesn't need to use a ton of garbage to help her in bringing the lost souls to enlightenment.

That's all for now. I may end up following this up with something a little more well thought-out tomorrow, but more than likely not until Saturday. I promise that the next one will be a little bit more thought-provoking.

Column A and Column B

There is a sad fact out there that we, as a people, argue about our differences. We argue about politics because we have different opinions of what we want from government. We argue about religion because we have different beliefs of what it means to be a good person and what happens when you die. We argue about whether World of Warcraft is better than Everquest 2 because we want different things from our gaming experiences. These arguments will never be won because these differences can never be changed. We are all different in every way, and we always will be. Never is this a bad thing, but sometimes, we forget that people aren't all the same.

Say we like to listen to jazz music, and we try to get others to listen to it. Partly, it's because we think we are nice people and want to share this great thing which has enriched our lives. Well, if that were only the case, why would there be arguments over whether classical is better than jazz, and heavy metal reigns supreme over rap? Because we don't just do it for the other person's benefit. We do it to justify our own position. If we can convince someone else to like what we like, then that makes the bond we have with them stronger, and makes that like more defensible.

Or does it?

When it comes right down to it, we put ourselves out there with what we like. It's too easy to say "Anybody who likes XXX is a moron" and hurt those peoples' feelings. Mocking anything will always be safer than admitting you enjoy it. That's why things like South Park and, sometimes, Penny Arcade seem cowardly to me, at times. When you refuse to take a stance, you are basically going on a tiny little superiority trip. You are better than everyone who likes XXX because they must be a moron to like something you see no value in.

I think that sometimes we forget that we don't have the same values. I may feel a little superior to people who think Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but then, I didn't grow up in the kind of households that can identify with his jokes. I laugh at jokes that take on a political, observant and even mathematical nature because I've studied enough of these subjects that I can get them. I don't think it's geeky to laugh at a math joke. It's geeky to know enough math to get the joke. If you don't get math jokes, you feel left out. To feel better, you attribute some sort of problem with liking math jokes.

Even beyond nurture, we've got nature to thank. We are not created equal, in a sense, because we each have very different things to bring to and take from the table of life. These things are not as simplistic as you may initially think, either. We have different things which we need in order to function, and as strange as it sounds, this need is not what we generally credit. We have this perception that we need basic things like food, shelter, exercise, clothes, and stuff like that. True as it may be that those basic needs are there to keep the body running, what about the mind? Or the spirit? What do those need?

This is different between people. In my case, I need to be creative, and will do anything to keep my creative juices flowing. I know that I'm a smart individual, and yet I dropped out of college. The reason is because I didn't have the room I needed to be creative. Well, that and other complications, but mostly the creative thing. I've quit more than a few jobs that I've had in the past in complete disgust because I was typically shoved into a retail environment or a cubicle of some sort and told to do work in a very specific, and typically non-agreeable way. I need to find my path between A and B. My path has to be none other than my own. It cannot be your path.

This need for creativity presses down on all aspects of my life. Tasks which require no creativity are essentially like pressing needles into my eyes. Yes, I am fully capable of doing these things. It's just that I never really think to do them. It's kind of like doing all your homework, only to find out the next day that you forgot to do an English paper that was due. It's like you meant to write it, but it slipped your mind because it wasn't important to you. You knew you'd get it done in no time, so you didn't worry about it. It was just such a non-event that it never even registered with you.

As such, I'm pretty much socially retarded. I can't do simple things like operate a washer, because the second I learn how to use it, that information is gone within ten minutes. In all honesty, I sometimes forget how to properly put on my socks. These are what I could consider flaws. They prevent me from ever functioning in the real world, but that doesn't mean that I can't contribute to it. I created this blog, as well as the short stories that I've been writing lately, because the only way I can contribute to the world is if I am my own worldly boss and have the freedom to explore my creativity in every way.

There are people in my life right now that are completely unlike me. They are responsible and dependable in every way that I am not. I will tell you right now that as much creativity as I have, you wouldn't be reading this right now were it not for one of those people.

There are other outside influences to consider, as well. The people who run this site, for example, are the ones who got the domain name, deal with the server stuff, etc.

All told, the only thing that I do with this blog is provide an opinion that a vast majority of people I show this to simply look over. I have every reason to believe that I can make a modest living off of my writing abilities, but that takes time which God provides me. It takes technical support which He delivers. And it takes patience, of which He has an infinite amount.

When it comes down to it, it's the talents of people who aren't me that make everything that I do possible. We do our parts to make sure that the things I write remain either funny, edifying, or, at the very least, not a total waste of time. Without God, there'd be no creativity n me. Without the people who run this site, there'd be no blog here for you to read. Without the support of my friends, I probably never would have gotten to the point where I started this thing up again.

I've started probably over a thousand different creative projects, and only finished maybe two or three of them. Why? Because I went at them alone. That mistake caused each project to be abandoned after only a few days. Weeks, at most.

My friend and I are in the process of creating a comic in the hopes of putting here on the Interwebz for the enjoyment of all who happen to stumble upon it. Being an artist is something he knows about and is good at, which means that he can support this project well past where I would've gotten frustrated and quit. This comic exists because he helps it to do so. That, and he's willing to pick me up and slap me silly until I have the drive to get things done.

It's not that I'm incapable of doing these things. It is within my ability to learn how to do things like that, I'm sure, just like it's completely in Jon's ability to write out a lot of the script and storyline. I think the reason we are good at the things we do is because we have no uncertainty when it comes to working towards our strengths. When I write anything, it is completely within my creative power. I'm in control. When Jon does something as simple as change a few minor details in one of the panels, he's in control. Or at least controlling his involvement with it. But when the roles are switched, there is a certain amount of uncertainty that we both would face. I am not naturally dependable, and being so is quite draining for me. I expect that he isn't quite as good at writing things as I am (not sure, because the subject hasn't really ever come up), and being so is probably quite draining for him, as well.

It's easy to see how this blog wouldn't exist without me to paint pictures with my words. That's almost too obvious. What isn't, though, is that creativity is too crafty to exist in a vacuum. If you can create an entry that was actually awesome to read, then you can write pretty much anything else out there. Everything will fail at the slightest weakness, though, but there's always a new creative project ready to take its place. Every project that I've ever tried to do has failed except the comic that I'm working on now with Jon - and that's because this isn't just my project. It's our project; it belongs to Jon, myself, and everybody that's been giving us feedback since its inception.

So maybe being different isn't so bad. When you are flawed, perhaps there is someone else out there equally flawed, but in different ways. Maybe the fact that we disagree in politics is what keeps us honest. Maybe the Conservatives complete the Liberals, and vice versa. They are weak individually, but together are capable of making a tiny group of thirteen colonies and eventually becoming one of the most powerful nations in the world. With just one viewpoint, this country would've crumbled under its own weight centuries ago.

If we all belonged to one religion, we'd all be extremists. We wouldn't have conflicting points of view to keep us honest. We'd ignore science, and pretend that dinosaurs didn't exist. We'd truly be in a third-world dark age. But science alone is amoral. Religion keeps science sane; keeps it from going too far. There are a million questions out there that science can answer that perhaps we shouldn't be in such a hurry to discover just yet. WE can move slowly because society can't handle the kind of all-encompassing changes that science can go through on a regular basis. They are at odds with each other, but in a strange way, they support each other through their differences.

I present to you that it is our differences which make us stronger. I don't think I've ever really appreciated that, before. I've paid lip service to the idea, surely, but it never really hit home until just recently. We are different. We should be different. And no matter how much it angers us that someone else isn't like us, the solution isn't to despise one another. By all means, stay mad - so long as it keeps you honest. But understand that it would really suck if we were all the same.

Of Prophets and Madmen

While I realize the category of tonight's topic is a rather pretentious one, please be aware that it only implies a level of ostentation that I'm not willing to deliver.

I've been going back to some of the old classics... the ones that most would consider either agonizingly boring, or luridly fascinating. I admit to falling into the latter. I have gone back to read titles from Vonnegut, George Orwell, and Huxley. One thing that I've noticed about these authors is that they are all most known for writing novels where society is portrayed in some horrific manner or another. Honestly, this theme is regurgitated ad nauseum all throughout a good portion of books by these literary minds.

People react to this pattern in different ways. Some consider it brilliant, for various reasons. There are those who find it trite and cliched. The ignorant should, for the sake of this discussion, be taken into consideration, as well. As far as I'm concerned, none of these answers would be wrong.

What I'm here to talk about tonight is my take on three novels - one each by the aforementioned authors.

The first novel is entitled "Player Piano," written by Vonnegut. Of the three, it is probably the darkest take on society - even moreso when applied to conventional standards - and yet is the lightest in its presentation. Vonnegut was known for his dark sense of humor; one that constantly felt like a razor tongue-in-cheek along open sores.

In this novel, society is presented in a caste system comprising of two parts; the rich and the poor. The poor were the people whose main purposes in society before World War II were replaced by machines. The well to do were those that were the engineers and managers that kept society going as what they viewed was a well-oiled machine.

Through a series of events that, in the spirit of saving time in writing what is honestly going to be a rather extensive post, as well as the hope of you all finding a copy of this book and reading it yourselves, I will not get into, Paul finds himself faced with a choice that calls into question all of his fears, worries, and doubts. He is given the choice of fame and fortune, or being the figurehead of a kind of rebellion against the machine society.

The ending is darkly realistic, to the point of being cynical. However, it was brilliantly written and handled in such a way as it invokes feeling in the reader in some fashion or another. For me, it led me through yet another doorway of perception that I just can't stop thinking about.

You see, Paul was someone who was on the inside, and came to realize just how messed up everything really was. He saw how people were gaining off of the suffering of others, and how cut-throat his world really was. He wasn't okay with that. I have to admit that I'm not, either.

This particular theme is found earlier in literary history, in the title "Brave New World," written by Aldoux Huxley. The similarities are there mostly because this is the novel that "inspired" Vonnegut's tale. He was actually quoted as saying that he "cheerfully ripped off of Brave New World, just like Brave New World cheerfully ripped off of Yevgeny Zamyitan's We."

Anyways, all plagiarism aside, Brave New World has society cast in what has to be the scariest ways of the three books. Society was broken down into five main castes - Alphas, Betas, Gammas, Deltas, and Epsilons - with a sixth caste, who were referred to as "Savages," that were known about, but never really considered to really be people to begin with.

In this society, the people all take a drug known as Soma, which, incidentally enough, is an allusion to a mythical drink of the same name that was consumed by Indo-Aryans. This drug would cause hallucinations of varying intensity, and give the members of this dystopian society a "vacation." The society could be described as absolutely hedonistic, at best, and there are things wrong with it that would make any person of any real values flinch.

Sexual activity is something that is encouraged from early childhood. The idea that "everybody belongs to everybody else" is repeated so often, that one could easily - and understandably - draw the conclusion that it is some form of mantra. Reproduction has been rendered obsolete, and the emotion of love doesn't ever factor into their lives as anything more than a pornographic thought.

Another taboo is the idea of alone time. The whole idea of "conform, consume, obey" is pounded into their heads from such an early age that this is what they end up doing - always consuming and never being alone. If you're not out participating in the latest trends with everybody else, or screwing some "friend" for the day, you are ostracized from the society, and you are never looked at the same again. Conventional wisdom says that you are doing it to yourself, and therefore, nobody ever bothers to attempt to help.

The idea of being an individual is a radical one. Nobody dares to try, because nobody wants to be different. Well, most of them don't. Enter Brenard, one of the three main characters of the tale.

Brenard is an Alpha Plus, and a psychologist. He is shorter than average height for his cast - a deformity, in the eyes of this society - and therefore suffers from an inferiority complex. Like Paul Proteus from the previously discussed title, he is an insider looking out, and sees many things wrong with what is going on around him. He even once denounces the soma drug, instead proclaiming that he'd "rather be himself."

This certainly earns no points with the rest of society, but it does usher in the attraction from the second main character, Lenina. She has her own complexes, but unlike her counterpart, is socially accepted. The only gripe against her is that she "isn't promiscuous enough."

...

Anyhow, while out and about with each other one day, they end up in a reservation for the "savages." They find a woman named Linda, who was once a member of the caste society, but mistimed her birth control dosage and consequently became pregnant. She misses her little world of random sex and drugs, and so talks Brenard and Lenina into taking her and her son, John, back to the "brave new world."

John is instantly afforded a sort of celebrity status. Not only is he something new and different for the masses to consume, but he is what they know as a "savage," as well. As he finds himself going deeper into the rabbit hole that leads to this bastardized Wonderland, he becomes deeply troubled by what he sees. It's nothing like what his mother told him it was, and it causes him much grief.

Again, there are a lot of events to cover that I'm just not willing to go into. The philosophy behind the book is a look at a godless society and what it does to people, and makes us question our humanity. At least, that's what it's intended to do. The problem is, I feel that this is the direction that we, as a people, are heading.

Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded of the differences between the people of today's society. I often see people of other classes mingling with each other sporadically. I am guilty of this. However, I've lately been questioning the motives behind it. What are we doing, when we do this? Are we looking to vicariously have some experience that we can later tell stories about? Or are we legitimately seeking companionship regardless of the social boundaries that will invariably separate us all eventually, despite our feelings of it happening?

This book is succeeding in a prophesy. It's doing so because it failed as a warning. Had someone, somewhere along the line taken the time to think about it, things might be different today. But, with the advent of capitalism, it all died.

One book that did succeed as a warning, however, was "1984," written by a one George Orwell.

Wells depicts society in a totalitarian state. The government rules all, knows all, sees all, and is never questioned. Those that are questioned are shot. Their executions are almost always public, and everybody cheers.

The story follows the life of Winston, an employee of the government who is in charge of altering history records to bolster the illusion of Big Brother being pansophical. His position allows him to become disillusioned to everything that's going on around him, and this leads to his rebellion. It also leads to torture and his eventual conversion, but you'd have to read about that, yourself.

The point is that we find yet another person on the inside of some seemingly magical society where all of our wants and needs are taken care of, but at the cost of the very things that continue to make us human.

I probably shouldn't be reading these things, as I am now at a point where I no longer crave to be a member of this society. I see it going in a direction that I don't like, and I have no other way than this to express that. I now crave nothing more than a constant state of disassociation.

Yet at the same time, I want to help.

I just don't know how.

If You Can't Do Something Right...

Warning: This blog entry contains adult language and mature subject matter. If you think you might be offended by something I may say, please try something a little more suited to your tastes instead.

Before we start this off today, I am going to go ahead and do the full-disclosure thing and let you all know that this is a rather pointed entry, but it's something that needs to be discussed anyway.

Is it just me, or is the collective insult vernacular of the Internet almost exclusively reserved to things like "asshat," "fucktard," and "douchebag?" Those aren't witty, and they certainly don't do you any favors. It's like a man with glasses calling a monocled chap "Two Eyes." The secret to insulting someone is not to appear a total moron. You want to seem smarter than they are.

At the very least, make up your own insults. Really. What you've got out there just doesn't insult me. Douchebag? I'm pretty sure that went out of style in the early '90's. And perhaps it is not wise to point out that one who is a douchebag is still going to get a lot closer to a vagina than you ever will in your lifetime.

Asshat? Am I missing some sort of meaning to it, or does it really just mean a hat which rests upon one's behind? Condoms are kind of hats, I guess, but again... we don't want to remind your opponent that you've only read about sex on the Internet. So, is an asshat like a butt condom or something? Or maybe it's a pair of underpants. With skidmarks? Trust me, there are far better insults involving skidmarks than "asshat."

Fucktard. That oh-so-witty combination of "fucking" and "retard." Beautiful. Let's take two offensive words, keep the stressed syllables, and create a new wondrous word of insult. Sorry, guys. It's not that witty. Witty can never be confined to one word. It requires intelligence to produce wit - something I fear is quite lacking on the Internet, these days. It doesn't require intelligence to call someone else a dirty name; it doesn't even show intelligence.

If you really want to insult someone, then you've got to know how. The great art of insulting is a beautiful thing; something that can be appreciated long after the original cause is lost. Check out some of these quotes from Oscar Wilde. They were so insulting that they were remembered over 100 years after they were said.

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."

"I am not young enough to know everything."

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."

"Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong."

You see? Not a single "asshat" or "douchebag" in the bunch. and these are biting insults of the highest caliber. They write books about a quality insult. I'm not talking about those books that you buy at the Book Fair in Middle School which proclaims "You look like a million bucks! All green and wrinkled!" to be the zenith of contemporary wit. I'm talking about those nice leather-bound books that speech writers like to cling to as if they were their only child.

So, before you decide to write off that e-mail or Facebook post proclaiming me to be an "asshat" or a "pompous know-it-all," just remember that you aren't impressing me. Seriously, after about a dozen or so of them all strung together that feature practically the same words, you aren't even standing out in a crowd. One guy said "Trollololol." This means he sought out to make me angry, for at least part of my day. Not quite... I can't get angry over something so damned pathetic. Pity is the only emotion that he was able to eke out of me.

Put your backs into it, now! Use some wit. Impress me. Make me feel worse! Don't contribute to me feeling superior! Don't prove me right! Come on. Be original. I'm sure it's possible. I wouldn't want to live in a world where it wasn't, because if there's one thing this world doesn't need, it's another asshole of limited intelligence.

Apples and Oranges

Often times, I confuse people. I understand how I can be confusing. My style of writing is a far cry from how I speak on a day-to-day basis. My actions are the kind that often leave people wondering "What the hell?" I know for a fact that there are many out there who, after my novelty wears off and they realize that it's not really an act, cannot stand me. I understand this, but I will not offer any apologies for it.

Back in April, I went into extensive detail about the way that I am, in hopes that some people would derive a better understanding of how my mind works. I also touched a bit on the fact of why I love writing so much. I have since tried to continue with this trend, using the blessing of anonymity that the Internet provides as a way to really let people take a look inside.... hence the title of the blog itself.

For those that don't know, I like to consider myself an avid gamer. While I'm sure that whatever credibility I have built up has gone right out the window for some people with that statement, I assure you that this entry has very little to do with video games. I'm honestly not sure what to talk about tonight, and am just kind of... going with it.

I read this blog on a regular basis. The things that Pojut talks about interest and intrigue me. I'm sure that many of you can get some enjoyment out of it, as well. The things that he talks about certainly warrant their own discussions in and of themselves, as often times I find this man's ramblings rather inspirational.

So, it is in this spirit that I figured I would give a shot at writing something meaningful about something that's equally meaningless. Maybe about how apples are better than oranges. You see, I personally believe that, if done correctly, a rant such as this could show how important reasoned decision-making is, even when the stakes are low.

Interestingly enough, this is where I end up getting into the most trouble with my peers. You see, when you put what is generally labeled as "deep thought" into the nature of our very existence, people tend to react with "Ah, yes. Deep thoughts are good." However, when you put it into something that most people consider meaningless, they turn on you like rabid hyenas.

I've always come from the approach that there's no such thing as "over-thinking." There's poor reasoning and timorousness which can cause people to mistrust their thinking, thus believing that over-thinking can be a bad thing. The reality of this situation, as I see it, is that it's just bad over-thinking that's horrible. The main problem is that people simply don't know the difference.

I've noticed, for example, with my detached observation, that people park stupid. Whenever I go to any destination that whimsy carries me, I often see people driving around, desperately seeking that "good" parking space. The problem, however, is they only really look in the two lanes in front of the door. Invariably, they'll end up parking father out by relying on those two lanes than if they parked three lanes over. It's almost as if they have poor spatial reasoning.

When I park, I always do it fairly close to the door. I do it because of the fact that in certain regions, this kind of thing could very well be a survival requirement. I never have to follow cars around the parking lot, and I generally get the same spot every single time. At the local mall, I have this great spot - I have to walk through a department store rather than going through the main entrance, but it's a small price to pay when one considers the expediency of such a space. It has shade, it's close to the door, has very little traffic, and is typically always available, except for the chaotic time of the year that is the holidays.

"But, dude," you might say. "It's just a parking space."

I figure that's the kind of reaction I would get out of most of the people who are reading this. They would be correct. It is just a parking space, and nothing of any real consequence whatsoever. You walk maybe an extra hundred and fifty feet by choosing poorly. However, it's like the people who go through the mall food court rather than around it, preferring to move dozens of chairs and other furniture out of the way while navigating through throngs of people rather than taking a path that is essentially equidistance without the obstacles. The shortest path between two spots isn't always a straight line, but who cares? You move a few chairs and have to say "excuse me" a few times. It's not the end of the world.

The only way that I can think of to respond to that is to say that you can't fault someone for thinking about the problem any more than I can fault someone for not thinking about it. It may not be important, but there is a better solution and I don't exactly have to whip out a calculator to figure it out. You've probably timed two or more different routes driving hoe and that's no more important than where and how you park.

I go to movie theaters to watch the films. It's rarely ever a group thing, and I expect complete silence from those around me, because I really like being drawn into a movie if it manages to spark my interest. Granted, this event rarely occurs these days, but when it does, I can't do it when some moronic child whose parents can't control it is mindlessly throwing popcorn at the screen and screaming "In bed!" after nearly every line.

I used to ask the talking audience member to be quiet. I kind of stopped doing so when after one day, it nearly lead to violence to my person. I wasn't being particularly impudent or even querulous in my request. Just goes to show exactly what kind of savages I find myself around on a disturbingly regular basis.

That being said, I've had to figure out a way to go and see movies that involve having the smallest number of audience members of the obnoxious sort. It really only takes one guy to ruin the experience for everybody, but if you consider the times you go, you can reduce the odds.

For instance, don't go at night - especially Friday or Saturday nights. That's the "witching hour" for dates, and also when the theater is most busy. The earlier you go, the less people are there. People have jobs and the ones that don't probably don't actually wake up until the afternoon, anyway. Going during a weekday at the earliest time is your best chance at a small, quiet audience - unless you're going to see a kids movie. Then you go at the latest possible showing, when it's past their bed-time.

The type of movie makes a huge difference, as well. Something like Star Wars can be watched at any time because everything in that movie makes a loud sound. The best part is, when there isn't a loud sound, there's loud music. You don't even have to follow the dialog that much. However, there are movies with a lot of silence, such as suspense films. It's difficult to build suspense as people see quietness as the perfect juncture to converse. When there is a difference between loud and quiet, they'll talk loudly during the quiet parts because they were talking loudly during the other parts, and probably have hearing issues. That, or they're just plain stupid.

The best movies to go to are the ones that don't bring out in droves the mindless automatons that now comprise a vast majority of America's youth and idiotic adults. Find something with subtext and/or subtitles. Either will drive away scores of people you'd rather not watch the movie. Of course, be careful with the subtitle thing. Sometimes, you get the ignoramus behind you that insists on reading them aloud. I had that problem with "Kung Fu Hustle," "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," and a few others. I'd like to discuss which theater to go to, but I'd really rather not get into all of that.

It used to be that every movie I planned to watch in the theater required a unique formula for deciding exactly when the best showing would be to attend. I swear to you that going to the movies for me these days requires charts and spreadsheets. I don't go to movies hardly at all anymore due to financial issues. Besides, let's face it... when the DVD version comes out three months later, it turns out cheaper than the price of tickets, refreshments, etc. Sometimes, waiting is just worth it.

So, that's how something so simple as choosing when to go to a movie can become a mental struggle. I honestly have more fun thinking about abstract problems, but it's not like I can just turn it off when it comes time to have fun. This is how I have fun. If I see a movie and don't spend some quality time afterwards thinking about it, I consider it a waste of my time. Luckily, my thought process doesn't really require the movie to be any good.

Shutter Island is, of course, the only exception to this. That movie bored me within the first fifteen minutes.

And now... sleep. That's where I'm a pirate, after all.

Plans

My friends, it is with great pleasure that I announce that I am now President of the United States, here today, in front of my adorning supporters.

Politics is not a topic that I am well-versed in, and, as such, I cannot sit here and tell you all the things that you want to hear. That will put me at a great disadvantage in the upcoming months, because what you want to hear and what you need to hear are not always the same thing.

I am aware of the greatness of this country. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded of what a wonderful and bountiful world that we exist in. However, not a day passes that I am also not reminded of the uncontrolled and unwarranted greed which permeates our entire being. I've seen kind men help little old ladies do their groceries, but I've also seen the same men risk their life and the lives of others running a red to shave a little time off their travelling.

I know what the people of America want, and I'm here to say that you cannot have it.

Everybody wants to be employee of the month. everybody thinks they deserve employee of the month. Problem is, nobody works towards that prestigious title. We all want something for free, and we want more than the next guy. We want to be powerful and rich, and we want it for nothing at all.

I'm here to tell you that you aren't stupid for thinking that, but you are wrong. We need to meet the basic needs of our country before we meet the needs of just you. We need to make sure that sickness is met with the best care. We need to ensure that our schools are filled with the best teachers. We need to guarantee that being poor does not mean being worthless. When money comes in and it is time to section it out, that money needs to go to the people failing to survive day by day, not the people who want a slightly larger television.

The rules of politics, as they are now, dictate that I shouldn't tell you this. They also dictate that I promise you a gold-plated care and your own personal parking space. They dictate that I should make you feel important. Well... you are. Just not like you think you are. We all live in the same society, and our importance in that society is distinct. But getting richer does not increase your importance, and being in poverty greatly destroys it. The way you increase your importance is not based on what you have, but what you do.

Do you have a problem with gays marrying? Abortion? Pre-martial sex? I do, but realistically speaking... tough. We all live in this society together, and I'm not about to let one group of people decide what's best for another group of people who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions. How would you feel if someone came up to you and said that you couldn't worship God? I will protect your right to do just that, exactly as I would protect the right of any citizen of sound mind and body to make the decisions which concern their own welfare and nobody else's.

But what about the people who can't make their own decisions? What about the people who don't want to? These people are hardly worthless. Where they falter in one area, they can more than make up for in others. We will help these people not by making their decisions, but by educating them on how to do it on their own. Even when we help them, the decision to accept our help or go it alone will always be available to them. Only in situations where the well-being of others is at stake will we put in boundaries, and even then, we'll make sure they know where those boundaries are before they decide to cross them.

I'm going to raise taxes, because our government needs the money. We've got a war going on, and we cannot afford it any longer. We've got people dying around the world, and we can't help them. You're just going to buy an SUV that you don't really need, anyway. Tell me that you deserve your money more than a kid who can't get hospital care because his family members are all drug addicts. We've got sick people. We've got poor people. We've got people of one race or religion dominated by people of another race or religion. We've got mutated people, too. We've got crime. We've got wars. It's time to stop watching cable news, and it's time to start doing something about the stuff shown on it. That O'Reilly guy is ugly on an HDTV, anyway.

We live in a varied and beautiful country - just a small part of a varied and beautiful world. In the grand scheme of things, it may be small, but it is important to us because our country means something. It was built upon an ideal; an ideal which has guided our development and culture into a world no other culture could manage. This tiny little ideal has allowed us to explore creativity and technology and take it to extremes undreamed of by even the greatest thinkers of the past. We are done building on the past. We are now paving the future. All of this because of one simple ideal.

All people are treated as equal in the eyes of the law.

I think that we forget what that means, sometimes. We like to think of that when it benefits somebody, but not when it inconveniences them. It means that if people aren't being treated as equal, then we've got to enforce it until they are. It means that wants and needs must be separated and sorted by priority of the want/need itself - no matter how much taxes you pay. It means that schools in poor districts deserve to have the same quality teachers at the rich private schools. It means that if any one group gets too far away from the medium, in either direction, we need to start bringing them back.

You want a new car, but that's because your basic needs are already being taken care of. Some of them by us, the government. That you can even dream of purchasing a $50,000 vehicle, owning your own home, and sending your kids to college means that we are doing our job. But we aren't doing it as well as we used to. We're skimping on the important stuff.

Vote for me. As President, I promise to look out for all the citizens of the United States. I'm going to make a whole lot of you furious, because I'm not running the country the same way you would. Chances are, you may not see the effects of my social and economic plans directly for years, if ever. My name will not go down in history as the greatest President, because the things that to be done take time and they take money, and the immediate rewards are few and far between.

But it's worth it.

I love this country. I love everything that it used to stand for. It's now sick and broken, and I want to help it, because I don't want it to die.

Sick Men and Sugar Pills

For some reason that is entirely unknown to me, I cannot seem to find the motivation and/or inspiration to finish anything that I start, lately. It doesn't matter what it is, be it a book, video game, blog, parts to the book that I'm writing, or even dialog for the comic that I'm helping to create... I get about two-thirds done, and bam. Brick wall. I've started about four or five different projects, and haven't seen a single one to completion. The popularity - or lack thereof - of my opinions, ideals, theories, conundrums, statistics, and what not when it comes to life, religion, and the like seem based less on what I write, but instead on which side people come into the discussion with. My musings are less to convince anybody - which may be the one thing in this universe which is truly impossible - but just to say some stuff that's been flying around my head, driving me crazy. As such, nobody has been convinced.

This has led to me thinking about a lot of stuff. This rarely leads to good things, but it's what leads to things such as this blog. One thing that's been on my head lately has been something that I've been struggling with off and on my entire life, and it was brought up again on my cousin's Facebook earlier this evening. I can't, for the life of me, understand why, even after being hit in the face with practically irrefutable evidence, still maintain - sometimes even to the point of violence - that a book written in a time when alchemists attempted to turn lead into gold has any kind of merit to modern day life at all.

Full Disclosure: I'm speaking of Leviticus with that statement

Do people want to believe in something so much that they would prefer ignorance to true enlightenment?

Thinking about that, I noticed several other areas where such blinding belief is present. Politics, penis enlargement pills, money-making schemes, ghosts, Atkins, diet pills, and a whole other host of items and agendas. The problem, I think, isn't really these things in particular. I firmly believe that the problem is on the peoples end. These things all focus on fundamental desires and self-esteem issues that people want to believe work - they need to feel it works. They are all placebos for self-esteem.

Say you are a moderately overweight person, and this aspect of your life has caused much harm to your day-to-day living. You cant' get dates. Other people are constantly making fun of your weight. You are insecure to the nth degree. You see a commercial for an electric belt that shocks your muscles into exercising, all without ever having to leave the comfort of the recliner that got you into this position in the first place. The infomercial shows hot, bronzed, muscular bodies of people half your age. Forget for a second that they've got muscles in places that the belt doesn't affect. You want to believe that dream because the alternative is so distasteful.

So, you order the belt.

The first time you plug it in, your body sweats, causing the belt to short-circuit and electrocute you. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not. This kind of thing really happens.

Weight is something that requires knowledge and work to maintain. The fact that exercise is difficult and boring, and your day-to-day life is too busy to take the time, it is really easy to want to buy into a something-for-nothing plan. Even if exercise is beyond you, that weight problem still controls you.

The problem, my friends, isn't that you believe penis-enlargement pills actually work. It's that you want to believe. Your self-esteem is controlling you from behind the scenes to make you feel better about yourself. Even faced with evidence to the alternative, that need to feel okay is more important. Nothing is more important.

Right?

Anyways, when it comes to literal interpretations of the Bible, it isn't really about whether the Bible is true or not. According to science, it's not by any objective measure in existence. That's not really what the debate is about, though. It's really what the arguments are about. It's because for some people, to deny the Bible is to deny God. God is such a large part of their very being that not only would living without God leave a hole in their self, it would mean that those many years spent believing were a lie. The same could be said about scientists on the day that God decides to show Himself.

But see, that's all okay. You don't have to deny God to interpret the Bible in a different way. You just have to deny the way that you've been choosing to honor Him. That's difficult, and not something just anybody will jump in to. It is a problem at the very core of self-esteem, and self-esteem has a defense mechanism that could floor King Kong if it wanted. People die because of self-esteem. The only way to overcome it is to recognize what you are doing and make that choice. We can't make it for you.

I imagine that it must be a scary prospect to be alone in this universe; to go into nothingness when you die... to not have those pearly white gates waiting for you, or to have a giant friendly figure who has reason for even the most senseless events. when your friend dies, it's comforting to think that he or she is okay - somewhere out there. It's a fundamental fear that everyone shares, kind of like contracting cancer or being inadequate in the eyes of those you care most about.

What I'm getting at with all of this, folks, is that religion is a placebo effect. It exists to make you feel better, as well as to control you. No real purposes beyond that, as far as I'm concerned. But, just like the things I listed above, people can take advantage of that need to feel purpose. They can offer sugar pills for $50 and claim that they will make you more attractive and confident, and people will buy them. They are taking advantage of a tiny hairline fracture in our self-esteem, and some people aren't strong enough to fight it.

I am anti-religion, but by no means am I anti-God. There are a lot of good things that have come from it, sure, but only on a small scale. These are things like communities, good deeds, and a direction toward friendship. There are also a lot of bad things that have sprung up from religion, and they're quite famous. The Inquisition, the Crusades, people murdering doctors that perform abortions (which I find hilariously ironic), trying to discredit science to gain support for creationism rather than using science to prove it. Some people take advantage of this placebo to control you.

To blindly follow is built into our very genes. It is a natural consequence of living. The callow follow the strong-willed. You have to be careful of who you follow. A good leader is one who can follow his own agenda while making his followers think it's theirs, too. All I'm saying is beware. Quacks and charlatans are out there in force, and it would be a mistake to think that whatever you believe with all your heart doesn't have plenty of both.

Watch the Weather Change

It's been a while since I've posted in this blog. From the history, it seems that I haven't written in this dusty thing since May. Sorry about that, to those of you that are following.

A lot has been going on for me, lately. I find myself facing several paths in life, and I'm not quite sure where to go. I pray and pray, and yet the answer has still not been made clear to me. I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm supposed to be doing right now, at this very moment.

I suppose that's a lot of people, though.

The choices I find myself with are all pretty big risks. Two of them involve packing up and shipping off to places unknown, where I will have very little support beyond faith in friends. History has shown me that this isn't always the wisest of decisions, and yet... I can't help but shake the feeling that perhaps I should at least try.

Then again, I can stay here in Maryland and make a solid attempt at putting this apparent writing ability of mine to use. The work that I've been doing on my novel has been, admittedly, non-existent of late. I can't seem to find the motivation to write in this blog, much less working on something that could make my worries disappear.

My feelings, as always, shall remain my own. I'm not quite sure how to express myself beyond what I have already said.

This brings me to the point of this particular rambling.

This has been a good fall, so far. The weather is that perfect, crisp autumn weather that we can typically only read about in books. It is that perfect time of the year where the days are cool, yet comfortable, and the nights have the kind of chill that makes one want to sit on the couch, curled up with either a good book or a loved one, huddling together for warmth. It is a time for relaxation, a time for love, and, above all, a time for reflection within.

As much as I would love to go into some deep, somewhat philosophical, entirely full-of-crap posting, I'm afraid that I just can't muster that. I just tried, and it all came out as absolute twaddle. Hell, as I'm writing this, it's 4:30 in the morning. This doesn't leave much room for deep thought. While the previous paragraph - and even the posting title - lead one to think that perhaps what I have to say this morning is worthwhile, I assure you all that it is not. My brain is simply too full of garbage to allow sleep, and so I sit here and babble it all out into a digital journal that some read, but goes rather largely ignored.

This must be what the writers of the New Yorker feel like.

Rambling With Insomnia

So, as of the start of this writing, it's currently 9:47am, and I am operating on less than five hours worth of sleep. I really don't have much to talk about right now, hence the lack of blog posts since the last one. However, I really need something to do to keep my mind occupied and trick it into slowing down enough to go back to sleep.

I've been talking with a girl lately. I'm starting to really, really like her. I'm not quite sure how or why this is, considering that I'm not exactly in a position emotionally to be doing something like this.

I dreamed last night that I had smoked crystal meth. This is strange, because it's not as if this meth is a drug that I indulge in. Sure, there have been past excursions into the realm of the tweaker, but it's just not my thing. Makes me too focused, and in my opinion, that entirely defeats the purpose of doing drugs.

The night before, I dreamed of getting into a really bad car accident, only to find out that a good friend had done just that the other day. Odd? I think so.

IRC has been getting to be more trouble than what it's worth lately. I'm sure that another hiatus from it is in order soon. On that note, I'm also becoming rather bored with World of Warcraft. I'm hoping that Cataclysm is going to be coming out soon, because I simply need more content to keep myself occupied.

I am not attracted to black girls, for the most part, but my friend Amira is quite possibly one of the most beautiful women that I have ever met.

What the hell is a Juke Joint Jezebel? And why is it worth writing a song about?

I have $400 sitting in a bank account that I didn't know about. Hell, I thought that the bank account itself was closed.

I am hoping that work today isn't too harsh.... I have plans for tonight, though, so that's good, too.

I'm gonna stop letting my brain leak on here, now, as this is just getting ridiculous.

Nonsense.

Defunct.

Ebb and Flow

As of this writing, I am spending about a week or so in Pennsylvania, in an attempt to get away from the rat race that is Rockville, Maryland. It is calming at the spot that I'm at, and I've been letting my mind wander around in contemplation of... well... anything and everything. As I was staring at the creek that is at the bottom of the hill that this house rests upon, I came to a sudden realization.

People who say that life just isn't fair are nothing more than egotists.

I'm guilty of letting these words slip past my lips, just as I can say with confidence that most anybody who happens to be reading this little blurb is, as well. It's something that we grow up listening to, having it shoved in our faces and down our throats on a disturbingly regular basis. I feel now that this should probably stop.

The times that we say that life isn't fair are the times that we find ourselves at a crossroads, of sorts. These are the times where we lose a job, a friend, a pet, a loved one... whatever. These are the times in life that we probably aren't at all at our best, and we're doing what we can to get by, and even though we're making it, we're still upset by the circumstances.

Understandable, sure, but why say that life isn't fair? Just because things aren't going the exact way that you envisioned them to go, does that mean that life isn't fair? Not at all, really. I think that life is very fair. It treats all of us in the exact same fashion that it treats everybody else. It makes no exceptions for anybody when it wants to throw us some form of curveball or another. Life doesn't ease up on us just because we look at things positively, or because we're good people. Just because someone is an alcoholic, that doesn't mean that life is going out of its way to get that person.

I came to this realization as I was staring at the flow of the water of the creek, sitting on the banks. The flow was calm, slow, and steady at one part. There's a bridge that overlooks the creek, and right beneath it is a miniature waterfall. At this point, the current goes haywire, and there are white peaks to the water as it flows. There are rocks that attempt - vainly, I might add - to slow the water, and yet it just continues on its merry way, going around the rocks, or over them entirely. After the rocks, the current is speedier than it was prior to the waterfall, but it stables out and becomes calm once more.

It was only after some reflection about what I was seeing that I had the "ah ha moment" of the day. This creek, in all of its natural splendor, is a wonderful analogy of the way that life is. When things speed up in your current of life, they can get quite hectic rather quickly. This is something that some people meet head on. Others try and fight against it, and are the ones that typically end up saying that "life just isn't fair."

Listen: I propose to you that life is, indeed, fair, and that you have two options when the current starts picking up. You can either A) meet the current - and the invariable rocks that are in your way - head on and go around them, as the creek does, or B) you can fight against it and end up getting caught in the undertow and dragged along the rocks on the creek bed, only to emerge on the other side battered and bruised.

Realize, folks, that life is fair. This is something that I'm convinced any man and woman of any kind of faith or belief can agree upon. Life isn't out to get you; it's just simply out there. It's what we choose to do with it that counts.

Take Offense to This

I was going to go to sleep. I'm physically exhausted, even though I did nothing but stay in recovery today from the night before. I sat on my little inflatable mattress, waiting for sleep to take me, and it still hasn't. There's a lot on my mind, you see. While I'm still all about the positive energy from the last blog post, there was something that went down today that has me just a little bit bothered. Long story short, I was trying to prove a point to someone, and they took it entirely the wrong way and they are now mad at me for it. I really don't mind this, as it happens a good bit. What bothers me is that this person wants me to take responsibility for something that I just can't bring myself to. I can take responsibility for what I've done, but not for who I am.

Anyways, that's not what brings on tonight's babbling. No... what I want to talk about tonight is a book called "All The King's Men." It was, essentially, one of the books that helped to open my eyes. Before reading this book, Moby Dick was, to me, a whale, and nothing more. Allegories were the things that crawled out of the sewers and ate your dog. Explicit motivation was taken at face value, and by golly, I liked it that way.

Not after this book.

It's been a while since I've read it, but from what I do remember, it was a kind of political thing about a guy running for some form of office in Louisiana. However, the book isn't really about this guy; it's more about one of his aides, a guy by the name of Jack Burden. He is an observer, and happens to be the narrator of the tale.

He watches things around him happen without feeling attached to them. He is what I like to call a "disinterested third party," where the events never connect with him. If someone were to try and kill him, he would examine their motivations for wanting to take a life without ever really registering the fact that was that close to being murdered. During the course of the book, he has to perform a deed which is not admirable and doesn't learn until afterwards what the result of that action would be on him.

I identified with that character. I very rarely identify with much of anything, fictional or otherwise. This very well could be the main obstacle in my way of being capable of connecting with others. Howard Roark from Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" is one other such character. Charlie Kaufman from "Adaption," and Randall from the "Clerks" series is the only other one. Most of the time, I identify with the tortured souls that are the creators of these works rather than with the fictional characters that they painstakingly created.

I am, admittedly, a disinterested third party observer. I've pretty much managed to remove myself from the equation because I'm not a very interesting person. One of the things that I've noticed from various forms of conversation (God bless the digital age) that I've had is that people think that I write and say the things that I do because I am angry, or bitter. It has happened, sure, but mostly I write and say the things that I do because I find them either absolutely fascinating, or just downright hilarious.

Generally, there's no anger there; simply curiosity. When I see someone make a cryptic status update on Facebook, or write a particularly interesting blog post, or even do something like yammer on and on into their cell phone while driving a 3-ton death machine, I want to know why. What hidden motivation prompted them to do that? What was it about their day or conversation or whatever that made them react the way that they did? For what cause does someone abandon reason and debate in favor of name-calling and insults when someone counters their argument with logic? I look at these things because I find them interesting, not because I really feel particularly involved.

When it comes to dealing with my public image, I've experimented. It's been almost scientific in nature. I've tried ignoring people. I've tried reasoning with them. I've even tried - on multiple occasions - to piss them off on purpose. Not everything I have tried has been for the benefit of actually improving said public image. I want to know how this whole public image thing works. I want to poke it, prod it, make it squirm so that I can come up with theories and postulations about why people act the way that they do. That involves me personally and means little except when the experiments also start to interfere with the day to day operations of my life. When I can't find the time to write something - anything - or I watch my firewall blocking attempt after attempt of someone trying to hack my computer because they've developed a distaste for me without a mature approach to handling it - that's when I start to care.

A lot of the people who hate me take it personally. I understand it, to a degree, but I really can't say that I approve or agree with their actions. I've been watching people for a long time, and that little friend that we call "self-esteem" is a lot hardier than it lets on. Suck it up and move on. Seriously, what have I done to have people wish violence upon my person? Did I kill their dog? Did I wreck their car? Did I betray their trust? No... My arrogance, having been spawned from some sick sense of confidence and disconnection, just makes them feel bad about themselves. And you know what? I don't think that people like that very much.

I am smarter than you.

Did you feel that? That little kick in your gut? That's your self-esteem trying to protect you. No, I don't really think that - not even secretly to myself. If I did, I'd have lower expectations of those around me, and the world as a whole. Everybody expects everybody else to act with this thing called "Common Sense," so I'm not the only one that has high expectations for your behavior. However, when you're unwilling to live up to those expectations - either because you think you can't (more than likely not true), or because it is too much effort - then it hurts to be held to those standards.

Self-esteem is.... well, it's really amazing. I can't tell you how awesome it is. Without it, we'd be collectively really, really unstable. We'd probably all commit suicide the first time someone insulted our mother. It's a self-defense mechanism, and it saves your ass a lot more than it gets in the way. Don't be fooled, though; it can get in the way. It can create a sort of mental deadlock where you want to go in one direction, and your body doesn't want to. then your brain - another amazing thing - will fabricate some sort of fantasy roadblock that you accept. That roadblock, when it comes to the act of creation, is the biggest hurdle that you will ever climb. It's not even close to surpassing your own self-doubt.

Here's the part that you probably don't know: Self-esteem comes from different places on different people. That's right. We are not all created equal. For some people, their self-esteem is tied directly to having fun and doing interesting things. They do things such as write because it is an enjoyable hobby, perhaps one that they can share with their friends. They do it when they have the free time and it doesn't interfere with school or family or friends and so on. If they can write something that is good and it makes people happy, then great. If not? Oh, well.

That's not me. It wouldn't matter to me if this blog, or even the book that I'm writing, was the greatest one in the whole entire world if it wasn't made by conscious decision. Happy accidents are for study, not praise. It also doesn't matter what the final product looks like. It is the process of the creation that I care about. My self-esteem comes from the cause and relationship, and knowing how to use both for intelligent design. I am a teacher and a student, not a friend, and that is the type of relationship that I seek with other creators.

I sometimes forget that not everybody approaches the act of creation the same way. Ultimately, it's a good thing. The problem is when you start creating communities around the act of creating something. People like me are significantly out-numbered. I've already had several people tell me to "just chill" when it comes to this blog, because, to them, I'm just making entries into what really only amounts to a digital journal to people that don't really care. To me, it doesn't matter if it's this, a novel, balloon animals, or even ballistic missiles - I do it because the act of creation is a challenge that I seek and appreciate.

So, yeah. I'm guilty of starting stuff, sometimes, but I'll not take all the blame myself. I've just as often been some Pygmalian project of the writing community. How I should act. How I should think. How I should create. Why can't I be more like so and so? Why can't I find the joy in a community of like-minded souls?

Honestly, the answer is quite simple. It's because I'm not like them, and it is really a physical impossibility for me to ever be like them. I know a lot of people out there hate me with a passion, but still enjoy the things that I write and post for the world to see here in the Blue Nowhere. But those very same things that you despise about me are the same qualities that I use to not only create things, but do the things that I do routinely. You despise my being a stubborn buffoon, but I've fought tooth and nail to get my ideas and discussions recognized without being completely ostracized from polite society. You despise my seriousness, but it's what allows me to sit back and think critically about whatever situation that I find myself facing, and it's also what allows me to come up with whatever idea that puts the hair up my butt to sit down and start writing the things that you all say are really good.

I don't think that these facts have been lost or unappreciated by those who are blissfully unaware of what it's like to be this way. You despise my arrogance, but I really wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think I could do it better than most have, or at least bring some fresh, new discussions to the table. With that little arrogant thought driving me, I've made a pretty good go at it, and you know what? I'm not done yet. I'm actually so arrogant as to think that my writings and ramblings and raving and misbehavings and so on could be even more amazing than what they are now, and all that it requires is probably a little more thought and attention put into them. How arrogant is man that he thinks he creates as a god?

This is why I link my blog to as many people as I can. It's good, I think. It's good because I've taken those qualities which prevent me from connecting with other human beings and used them to create something amazing. I am human, just like you. I don't like lima beans or corn. I get the occasional pimple on my butt. I like looking at naked girls. I have chronic insomnia and a high risk of esophagus cancer due to my smoking habit and the fact that I have excessive reflux. Sometimes my bowel movements are irregular.

But, I write things like this blog, and their bowel movements are perfect. :)

Back to the Jack Burden thing. Back when I first read it, I probably should have listened to the point of the novel. By the end, he sort of wakes up and accepts his place in the puzzles of life - at the time, I wasn't ready for that, yet. I didn't understand everything then, and I honestly still don't. I want to keep watching. I want to keep reading between the lines while I still have the distance. Many think of this as a flaw, and I'm coming to understand why. I'm tired of living life like this, and I'm moving on. There's still some time left to enjoy the distance, and I intend to. But you know what? I really don't think I'm going to miss it as much as what I originally thought when it's finally gone.

Moving Forward

There are moments that come and go in life where one realizes just exactly how things are going inside of themselves. These moments can be either good or bad for our psyches. I call them "ah-ha moments." I have recently had the opportunity to have such a moment, myself.

For the longest time, I have been an angry individual. My anger stems from several events that have happened in my life throughout the almost twenty-five years that I've been exposed to the world around me. Rather than "biting the bullet," so to speak, and moving on from these things that have angered me to the point of being a bitter person, I instead chose to become a product of my past. On retrospect, I feel that this probably wasn't the wisest of decisions.

It wasn't until I recently hurt someone very close to me - quite possibly without hope of repair - that I decided to take some time off from everyone and everything to really take a look at why this happened again, and, more importantly, why it continues to happen on a disturbingly regular basis.

Having had said time off, I came to the realization that I honestly have absolutely nobody to blame for this but myself. Too often have I let myself become a victim - and at times even made myself to be one when I really wasn't. In an attempt to rationalize the things that have happened, I have become something that I loathe. It is time, I believe, to change all of that.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I often times reply with "depressingly typical." I am only half-kidding when I say this. I am tired of living this way. I am tired of being depressed, drained, and angry all the time. I am tired of always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I am tired of pushing people away.

I understand that I'm not exactly the most social of creatures, and as a result, I am constantly penalized in polite society for not exactly understanding - or even caring about, really - proper social etiquette. This has interesting results some times, but in the long run, I believe that it has hurt me more than helped me. I am always waiting on people to let me down, because that is what I have come to expect.

This is all going to change.

This is all changing because, in all honesty, I am tired of living this way. I am sick to death of waking up every day, not appreciative of what I have. After having spent some time with a really good friend and her husband over the weekend, I have come to realize that I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I have been through a lot in life, sure, but I really should be a lot more grateful to the fact that I'm still here. I'm still alive and kicking, and that's a start.

I used to think that I'm only alive out of pure spite for those around me, but I see now that I'm wrong. I'm strong because I'm resilient, but I honestly have no idea how much longer that is going to last. I need to make some changes, or else it is going to quite literally kill me.

I am done living my life alone. The only reason I'm doing so is because I allow it. I have a job. I have a car. I have good friends that are always there for me, even when I don't deserve it. I have things in life to look forward to, and you know what? That's something. It's more than what I've ever had, and I need to stop taking it all for granted.

I've carried these things with me for far too long. There's a difference between a healthy dose of cynicism, and just being outright angry and hurt and so on all the time. I'm done with it. As much as I understand that we all have our crosses to bear, I really don't think it reasonable to be breaking one's back by carrying around the statues of our past, as well.

All of these thoughts come after much self-reflection, prayer, and communing with God. I see now where I'm wrong. I just honestly wish that I didn't have the pay the price that I did for it.