There are moments that come and go in life where one realizes just exactly how things are going inside of themselves. These moments can be either good or bad for our psyches. I call them "ah-ha moments." I have recently had the opportunity to have such a moment, myself.
For the longest time, I have been an angry individual. My anger stems from several events that have happened in my life throughout the almost twenty-five years that I've been exposed to the world around me. Rather than "biting the bullet," so to speak, and moving on from these things that have angered me to the point of being a bitter person, I instead chose to become a product of my past. On retrospect, I feel that this probably wasn't the wisest of decisions.
It wasn't until I recently hurt someone very close to me - quite possibly without hope of repair - that I decided to take some time off from everyone and everything to really take a look at why this happened again, and, more importantly, why it continues to happen on a disturbingly regular basis.
Having had said time off, I came to the realization that I honestly have absolutely nobody to blame for this but myself. Too often have I let myself become a victim - and at times even made myself to be one when I really wasn't. In an attempt to rationalize the things that have happened, I have become something that I loathe. It is time, I believe, to change all of that.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I often times reply with "depressingly typical." I am only half-kidding when I say this. I am tired of living this way. I am tired of being depressed, drained, and angry all the time. I am tired of always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I am tired of pushing people away.
I understand that I'm not exactly the most social of creatures, and as a result, I am constantly penalized in polite society for not exactly understanding - or even caring about, really - proper social etiquette. This has interesting results some times, but in the long run, I believe that it has hurt me more than helped me. I am always waiting on people to let me down, because that is what I have come to expect.
This is all going to change.
This is all changing because, in all honesty, I am tired of living this way. I am sick to death of waking up every day, not appreciative of what I have. After having spent some time with a really good friend and her husband over the weekend, I have come to realize that I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I have been through a lot in life, sure, but I really should be a lot more grateful to the fact that I'm still here. I'm still alive and kicking, and that's a start.
I used to think that I'm only alive out of pure spite for those around me, but I see now that I'm wrong. I'm strong because I'm resilient, but I honestly have no idea how much longer that is going to last. I need to make some changes, or else it is going to quite literally kill me.
I am done living my life alone. The only reason I'm doing so is because I allow it. I have a job. I have a car. I have good friends that are always there for me, even when I don't deserve it. I have things in life to look forward to, and you know what? That's something. It's more than what I've ever had, and I need to stop taking it all for granted.
I've carried these things with me for far too long. There's a difference between a healthy dose of cynicism, and just being outright angry and hurt and so on all the time. I'm done with it. As much as I understand that we all have our crosses to bear, I really don't think it reasonable to be breaking one's back by carrying around the statues of our past, as well.
All of these thoughts come after much self-reflection, prayer, and communing with God. I see now where I'm wrong. I just honestly wish that I didn't have the pay the price that I did for it.
2 comments:
Rob, you have the right idea. Allow God to heal the wounds from the things of your past, but use the scars to remind you of where you've come from. Holding onto bitterness is like drinking poison, and expecting someone else to die. Negative expectations and words we speak over ourselves and others is powerful. The Bible says the power of life and death are in the tongue. Every time you say something negative about yourself or think about accepting things you don't have to, go to God's word and find the opposite of it. I'll send you a list of scriptures that tells us how God sees us. That's truth. We have to replace his truth with the lies we've lived with for so long. You are not the person you've settled into being and God wants to show you how awesome you really are. He created us for his glory. In order to do that he needs us healed and delivered. Allow yourself to be put on the Potter's Wheel and reshaped. It's painful, but so worth it. I look forward to seeing what God does in your life.
Just take it one step at a time, as it's kind of hard to change everything overnight.
Remember the past, where you've been and how you got to where you are, for it is the past that makes us wise.
Look towards the future and see all paths before you so you have an idea on where you wish to go.
Live for the now and without regret, for everything is a learning experience to help us grow strong.
Give your best every day and let nothing dictate who you are and where you are going but you.
You are you and I am me, and that is good. Don't worry about the speck in my eye, when there is a great plank in your own. Your post shows that you're beginning to grasp this idea, now run with it.
Insightful posts 4TW.
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